Monthly Archives: January 2021

Chug Piss 4 Health

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Do you have any medical problem at all? Are you willing to chug piss? Then you’re in luck. Thanks to the worldwide network of cranks that have brought us scams such as essential oils, Morgellon’s and homeopathy, you can now drink your own sunshine as a way to avoid real medical treatment. Fill dozens of 2-liters up with this miracle cure, and then tell everyone about how you rub yourself down with pee and drink it. “Those doctors don’t know what they’re talking about,” you say, sipping a martini glass full of kidney juice. “They’re just trying to make money.”

Then again, you could drink this squeeze bottle full of wolf urine to maybe (probably!) become a wolf.

 



It’s Half A Keyboard

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“Never move your hand from the keyboard again!” brags the manufacturer of this $575.00 half-keyboard. Unless having Y, U, I, O, P, H, J, K, L, N, M, and punctuation keys is slowing down your work, it might not be much of a productivity-booster. And the Tab, Backspace, Escape and Delete functions are assigned to the same key, which must be amazingly convenient.

Click thru to the big picture if you want to revel in the full glory of this keyboard.



Christian Citizens Band Radio

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Suggesting that you use the handle “Rollin’ Chaplain”, “Deek”, or “Colorado Tune Heister” (?!), this book from 1976 is definitely not worth its insane price tag, but apparently played a big part in the lone reviewer’s life.

Surprisingly, not only can you still buy CB radios, but they’re way cheaper than you’d think. The time might be ripe for the humble CB radio to make its return, if only so we can yell at each other through the electromagnetic spectrum instead of online.

The Wine Bra And The Beer Gut

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If you need to smuggle alcohol somewhere, the best way to do it is in your stomach. And if you need a place to hide and drink the alcohol to get it in there, well, that’s why they invented bushes.

But if that doesn’t do it for you, put 25 ounces of wine into The Wine Rack, a bra with a plastic hose that lets you suck the wine back out of the hose. I’m not sure how that’s more covert than drinking it out of a glass. And you also have to consider that adults drink wine whenever there are more than 3 of them in a room, as a defense mechanism. It’s not something people do in secret.

If your only problem with The Wine Rack is “I’d love to sip hot swill out of a plastic hose, but I don’t wear a bra and 25 ounces isn’t enough!” then the BeerBelly, an eighty-ounce prosthetic gut that hangs off your existing gut, may be the product for you.



Eggs: They’re Impossible To Crack

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This device, just like the edge of a pan, or a countertop, is an egg cracker. You whack the egg onto it and the shell of the egg cracks. There’s also the EZ CrackerBW Egg Cracker, and the Clever Cracker, if you’re curious about this microcosm of eggs that can’t be cracked. Humans have been cracking and eating eggs since the discovery of chickens, but in the world of 2016, we’ve got to have something do it for us.

Take a close look at that picture up there, by the way. The little grey thing in the middle is a RAZOR BLADE. If you need a special stand and a razor blade to crack an egg, you’re not buying eggs. Those are rocks.








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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.