It’s not that setting up a flaming pile of skulls in your yard wouldn’t be the most bad-assed thing to ever happen to your yard. It’s just that they’re sold individually, so if you want the full “pile of skulls” effect, it’ll run you several hundred dollars. (The manufacturer recommends you use nine to fifteen skulls.)

Your dog will eat Puppy Cake’s just-add-water Dog Cheesecake. He’ll also eat any food ever made, and grass from the yard, and poop from the yard. So if you spend your afternon whipping him up a Red Velvet Puppy Cake, and he eats it, it’s not because he’s been craving the taste of red food coloring. It’s because he knows anything you set on the floor is his, and you just set an entire weird little cake down there.

This piece of plastic is meant to be worn on the thumb, where, if you hold a book a specific way, it will push the book open. It probably works, if you read a book in that specific way. Nonetheless, there is an artisinally-handmade version for three times the price, or, if you want to go all the way, a cantilevered floor stand for holding your book for thirty-seven times the price.

The NoPhone is a phone-shaped piece of plastic “for people who use their phone too much.” It’s the perfect example of getting people coming and going. You sell them the phone, then when they use the phone, you sell them the NoPhone. At no point does the absence of commerce enter the picture. Just like The Gift Of Nothing, the idea of not buying something has been monetized, and it heats the earth and uses plastic the same as its “something” counterparts.

Please do not call your grandma “Meme.” If you do, then please do not buy her this sign, and absolutely do not buy her this “I’m A Meme” mug.

Single-use appliance? Check.

Expensive? Check.

Works only with proprietary, disposable pods? Check.

Tries to replace an ancient, nearly-free method of making the same thing? Of course.

Controlled by your phone? Hell yes it is.

Activ5 is more or less the same thing as every crappy home exercise device of the last 20 years, except it Bluetooths to your phone. Track how much you fucking squeeze it between your heels and rub your fist on it, I guess.