If you ever wanted something to time your “cum splits”, the Ultrak Large Cum Timer would probably be it.

It’s……….. (are you ready?) ………. water resistant.

But at least it’s not Yoga Cum Meditation.

Have you been wanting to join the ranks of those who fill their ass with coffee, but unwilling to collect all the ass-coffee supplies you need? Let the PureLife Coffee Enema Kit be your portal to this exciting world. It comes with a bag of PureLife Enema Coffee, which, believe it or not, is the second brand of coffee specially blended for enemas that I’ve reviewed here.

No, not a reclusive shack-dweller who plants explosives in fruit! That would actually be interesting! This is a $13 piece of plastic that puts a slice of lime into a bottle of beer.

And, nope, it doesn’t slice the lime. You have to slice the lime yourself. The only thing the Lime Bomber does is push the lime into the bottle. The supposed benefit? “Easier than putting the slice of lime into your bottle using your fingers.” That’s it.

The “Baby On Board” signs, which first became popular in 1985, have finally been parodied. You’re only 30 years late, guys, and it’s also ambiguous as to whether the car is the bitch, or the mom is the bitch.

Not that I agree with calling anyone a bitch. It’s just imprecise.

Yeah, a bag of “penis candy” is stupid at face value. But the true monster here is the woman who reviewed it, explaining that she didn’t eat it herself, but gave it to her friend who was just diagnosed with cancer.

Let me rephrase that: Your friend got cancer, so you literally told her to eat a bag of dicks.

What is the Apex Bioenergetic Homeopathic Imprinter? Obviously, to you and me, it’s a medical scam being sold for over $500 to gullible people in search of a cure for their ailment. But the manufacturer says it “captures the body’s bioresonance” and causes a “healing response.” Which are definitely real things.

I strongly urge you to read the long, insane description they’ve provided themselves, since I don’t have the space for it here.

Hell yeah! Load me up with the dirt that caused the potato famine!

Of course, the potato famine was caused by a combination of factors, including British oppression and fungal blight, but the dirt didn’t help.

Also, a shamrock is just a fucking clover, and “shamrock seeds” are clover seeds, and not worth over a hundred bucks.