The Worst Things For Sale

Here’s something to make you feel great! A toy coffin for a child to go into. “Mom! I’m dead!” Not really, it’s just a joke, but you had to think about it anyway! Thanks, Rubie’s Costume Company!

EDIT: The company has stealthily photoshopped the child out of their illustration. Compare their illustration to the original one above.

The Moo Mixer is a $12 plastic mug that has a battery-operated stirrer in the bottom, allowing it to act as a replacement for a spoon. Yeah, I mean, sure, you could use a spoon to make chocolate milk, but why do that when a $12 piece of shit will do the work for you? Here are a couple more images from the product listing.

The implication here is that this kid can’t use a spoon. He has to use Moo Mixer because he can’t use a spoon. That’s just not true. This kid has already left three thousand YouTube comments.

These soldiers might be able to take those guns apart and reassemble them blindfolded in the middle of a desert to shoot civilians, but they definitely can’t use a fucking spoon to make chocolate milk. Before they got Moo Mixer they were screaming on the radio for chocolate milk backup. 

Let’s ignore the fact that this fingerprint-activated door lock breaks easily (according to reviews) & costs nearly $300. Let’s instead focus on the failure state of the lock, which is someone cutting off your finger and pressing your dead finger on the lock so they can steal all your shit.

The NoPhone is a phone-shaped piece of plastic “for people who use their phone too much.” It’s the perfect example of getting people coming and going. You sell them the phone, then when they use the phone, you sell them the NoPhone. At no point does the absence of commerce enter the picture. Just like The Gift Of Nothing, the idea of not buying something has been monetized, and it heats the earth and uses plastic the same as its “something” counterparts.

If your child is two years old and hasn’t at least mastered the concepts of derivatives, integrals, and limits, then you’re setting them up for a lifetime of math hell. That’s where Introductory Calculus For Infants comes in. (You might also be interested in Non-Euclidean Geometry For Babies, and The Pythagorean Theorem For Babies.)

For those who wanted the iPad potty (posted here a while ago) but were already able to use a regular toilet, here’s something for you. An iPad holder for your regular bathroom, with toilet paper attached. The manufacturer describes it as “elegant”, which is not the word I’d use for looking at Twitter while you shit, but I guess elegance is relative.  

The manufacturer describes this $59.99 hellish neck-tent as “Makes breastfeeding a breeze.” No, putting a blanket over your shoulder while you breastfeed is a breeze. Fastening a craft-fair baby shelf around your body is a nightmare.