The Worst Things For Sale

The Toydozer, according to the manufacturer, is a “unique design” enabling kids to clean up Legos. It’s $14.99. It also happens to be almost the same exact shape and size as the plastic box and lid that several Lego sets come in:

I wonder where they got the idea.

“Now That’s What I Call Music” is up to its 3,489th numbered edition. It’s been a constant source of revulsion for music fans since the first edition was released in 1998 with Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Aqua, and Marcy Playground tracks. But I didn’t really have anything specifically horrible from this series to show you until I found “Now That’s What I Call Shrek.”

This horrible device plays Christmas songs through a speaker when you unfurl your toilet-paper. That is, it would if it worked. One angry customer wrote “It product is very bad. I don’t like is bad.” If you want to see what the target market for this product types like when they’re mad, there are six other reviews.

I used to have a coworker who would tap his pencils. Not while he was thinking, because he was never thinking, but for hours, for fun. These drumstick pencils are just encouraging others like him to continue with their tapping. Tap tap tap tap tap. It’s morse code for “you hate working here.” Tap tap tap.

The only thing worse would be a desk toy that makes drum sounds with a tinny speaker. Of course, such a terrible thing exists, and I hope that your local pencil-drummer doesn’t read this, or he’ll have it overnighted to work so he can play it as soon as possible.

This watermelon knife cuts watermelon! Then again, so does any other knife.

The same company sells a cantaloupe knife and a pineapple knife, which are almost identical to the watermelon knife. But why spend $19 when you could spend $57?!  

The Fleshlight Launch bills itself as the “Complete Automated Virtual Masturbator System,” and allows you to sync the motion of your Fleshlight to your computer via Bluetooth. The reviews are dismal, mentioning that the product comes apart during use, the Bluetooth disconnects, and the controls don’t work. You’ve already lost dignity by setting your computer up to pull your pud; having to click through menus and put your equipment back together while nude and lubed makes the situation exponentially worse.

(I’ve pixellated part of the product, but you probably know what a Fleshlight looks like by now. If you don’t, the uncensored pic is on the listing.)

Load your eggs into this expensive plastic tray and it will tell your phone when your eggs are about to go bad. It will also show you which eggs are the oldest and should be eaten first. None of this makes sense, when you consider that eggs are sold in a paper carton with an expiration date, and if you have two cartons, you can eat the eggs from the older one first.