The Worst Things For Sale

The Lady Gaga Singing Toothbrush uses the electric motor in the toothbrush to “play” a Lady Gaga song into your jawbone, propagating the vibrations to your inner ear, where you hear a Lady Gaga song as a result. “Brush Buddies” is the brand name here, which is kind of weird, because if someone sang a Lady Gaga to me in my bathroom every time I brushed my teeth, I wouldn’t call that person a Brush Buddy.

Of course, if this thing played “Brush Your Teeth” by Kompressor, I’d think it was genius and probably brush my teeth five times a day.

Get it? It’s breakfast! But it’s a scarf!

THAT’S THE JOKE.

GET IT???????

Sex toys are fine. Dog beds are fine. But why are they being sold here in a combo pack?!

(Apparently people have bought this – read the customer reviews in case your mind is not blown yet.)

You might be expecting a lame compilation of classical music, but no, this album is full of insane, nasty Thanksgiving songs. I can’t post all 99 here, but:

1. Let Me Fuck That Turkey

5. Potato Ass

16. Indian Girl (U Fine)

17. Let Me Take Ur Land Away

31. Smallpox (Dat Pox)

42. Choadsgiving

46. Eat That Meat (Dick Meat)

Haha sorry, no, it’s actually just classical music.

Low-carb diets can work well and enable you to restrict your calorie intake without feeling bad. But eating “Pork Chocs”, which are sugar-free milk-chocolate-coated pork rinds, are the worst way to go about this.

Both pork rinds and milk chocolate are full of fat, which isn’t necessarily terrible, but if you’ve ever known an Atkins dieter you know they’re going to eat the whole bag of this nasty shit in one go, as a snack. Then eat bacon for lunch and steak and cheese for dinner. I know all of this because I did the Atkins diet last decade. I would have eaten Pork Chocs, maybe. I don’t know. It’s impossible to say what you’ll do in a crisis situation until it happens. All I know is I’m glad I don’t live in Atkins world anymore, where plain yogurt is full of evil carbs, but it’s okay to slam a pound of pig fat into your greasy maw, screaming “IT’S ZERO CARB, IT’S DIET FOOD” at anyone who asks why you’re filling yourself with animal oil like a deep frier.

Switching from a conventional hard drive to an SSD can improve your computer’s performance. Just make sure you never go back and check the price of it the year after you buy one, because you might find that a tiny $1500 box of chips and shit costs less than $400 now.

It’s not too late! Get a turkey hat so you can be The Turkey Hat Person at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner! Give them a conversation point that’s better than “he needs to get a better job” or “why hasn’t she settled down yet?” Take off your shirt, slam two devilled eggs on your nips and run through your childhood home, screaming “I’M THANKFUL FOR THESE EGGS!!!! I’M THANKFUL FOR THIS HAT!!!!!!!” They’ll never bother having a conversation about your failed aspirations ever again.

I’m not just the president of this club, by the way… I’m also a member.