The Worst Things For Sale

Do you, an adult with a job, really need a guide to “how to poo at work”?

Yes, you do?

Okay, I’ll save you $10: Go into the bathroom and take a dump with your butt.

Some people think cilantro is OK, and good for you, it doesn’t taste like weird soap in your mouth and make you want to die. I just think whoever started farming this stuff should have asked around to make sure half the people in the world didn’t think it was sick.

I’m tasting cilantro in my mouth just writing this, and getting really close to buying a live cilantro plant and putting it straight into the compost pile to show it who’s boss.

This electric bag sealer is a good idea. It keeps your chips from getting stale. If only it had a power switch. Then you wouldn’t have to open it up and take the batteries out every time you aren’t using it, and if you leave them in on accident, it won’t probably burn a hole in your kitchen drawer.

Oh, and also it would be nice if it worked (according to reviews), instead of leaving the bags unsealed.

Well, I guess it’s all we have until someone invents a plastic clip you can use to close the open end of your chip bag.

The Thundershirt is a dog shirt that costs $38. It claims to relax your dog in any situation that would cause it to bark or get mad or scared.

Unfortunately, it only seems to work on dogs that don’t really get that upset in the first place, according to reviews, and also, it costs $38. If my dog wants me to spend that much money on a Thundershirt he needs to get a Thunderjob.

The Hidden Vision TV Mount, also known as “Perpetual Fear That My Shitty Drywall Will Break And I Will Die,” is a great way to put your TV on the wall above your bed. If you’re not scared of death and not scared of breaking your TV and not scared of breaking the wall. And not scared of dropping over $700 on a few thin pieces of metal.

You could use the Internet to order a few bags of inexpensive, good candy to give out to kids who show up on your doorstep this Halloween. But that’s not what is happening here, on this blog. Not tonight. No, I want to show you that it’s possible to order a box of TEN POUNDS OF BULK CANDY CORN, the worst candy known to man.

When Halloween comes, set that box out on your porch, and when kids approach, dig your dirty hands into it and drop fistfuls of the disgusting unwrapped triangles straight into their pillowcases. Tell every little Spiderman “What are you? A firefighter?” Ask every Disney princess “What are you? A firefighter?” It’s Halloween, you entitled little Nintendo addicts, have fun picking rainbow hell-wax out of your real candy.

Pine nuts are delicious. It’s too bad that in recent years, almost every brand of pine nuts is imported from China, and China has been sending us pine nuts that cause a bizarre reaction called “pine mouth.” A day or two after eating these tainted nuts, your sense of taste is muted (or even absent) and you can taste nothing but a bitter, metallic tinge.

Scientists continue to be stymied by what causes pine mouth, most likely because they don’t care. “Sorry that your whole mouth tastes like hell, but I have to go feed a rabbit Zoloft until it dies,” they say.