The Worst Things For Sale

Maybe you believe trees have spirits, and souls, and they speak to you, and you like to go out in the forest and talk to them. If so, then it’s probably not too far-fetched that the tree spirit roots for football, and you should get it a football-themed tree face.

It’s really fucked up and ageist for the manufacturer of “Peepee Teepees” to say that it’s for babies, because I use them all the time and I’m a grown-ass man. Sometimes you just need to teepee your dill. This baby knows what’s up. Ageist-ass peepee teepee maker.

While I knew we’d eventually, as a society, dig back into the cultural cesspool of the late 90s, I didn’t know it would be this soon. They’re making new Furbys. They cost $64.

This $99 cat-ear headband moves the ears around based on “emotion.” I’m curious to know what the ears would do for the feeling of repulsion that adults would buy motorized cat ears and wear them, but I’m not about to drop the $99 to find out. If the reviews are anything to go by, it would probably break immediately, anyway.

The “PUT ME DOWN” vinyl sticker fits on the underside of a toilet seat, so you can passive-aggressively scold someone about their toilet activity even when you’re not there.

And if you’re the target of this sticker, “PUT ME DOWN” is a reminder of what you would say to the veterinarian when you’re tired of living in a house where people treat you like that.

If you need to smuggle alcohol somewhere, the best way to do it is in your stomach. And if you need a place to hide and drink the alcohol to get it in there, well, that’s why they invented bushes.

But if that doesn’t do it for you, put 25 ounces of wine into The Wine Rack, a bra with a plastic hose that lets you suck the wine back out of the hose. I’m not sure how that’s more covert than drinking it out of a glass. And you also have to consider that adults drink wine whenever there are more than 3 of them in a room, as a defense mechanism. It’s not something people do in secret.

If your only problem with The Wine Rack is “I’d love to sip hot swill out of a plastic hose, but I don’t wear a bra and 25 ounces isn’t enough!” then the BeerBelly, an eighty-ounce prosthetic gut that hangs off your existing gut, may be the product for you.

Do you have any medical problem at all? Are you a fucked-up moron? Then you’re in luck. Thanks to the worldwide network of cranks that have brought us scams such as essential oils, Morgellon’s and homeopathy, you can now drink your own sunshine as a way to avoid real medical treatment. Fill dozens of 2-liters up with this miracle cure and set them all over your house, you gross, crazy idiot, and then tell everyone about how you rub yourself down with pee and drink it. “Those doctors don’t know what they’re talking about,” you say, sipping a martini glass full of kidney juice. “They’re just trying to make money.”