The Worst Things For Sale

i.e. “You are the shitty afterthought of an addition to my life, and you act unpredictably depending on who you’re interacting with, and you’re only pretty to people who don’t know how fucked up you are.”

The Celluon Magic Cube is a “virtual keyboard” for your iPad. Maybe if it weren’t $139.99, or if the iPad didn’t have a virtual keyboard built into its OS, it might be useful.

Laughably, the picture of the Magic Cube in use shows the iPad keyboard on the iPad’s screen, and it didn’t occur to the manufacturer that this might highlight the uselessness of the Magic Cube. This is all beside the point that Magic Cube is a way better name for a vibrator.

By the very act of purchasing and affixing an “I Piss Excellence” decal to your truck, you are confirming that you are, in fact, the pinnacle of evolution. Fifty thousand years of homo sapiens have fucked each other and spent their adult lives fighting over their kids to ensure that you, one day, would exist. You are great. You are amazing. Your truck is amazing. Thank you for being you.

The Relaxman Relaxation Capsule is $49,999.95 of calming down. There’s a heated waterbag inside that you sit on, and it plays music to you. The manufacturer doesn’t specify whether or not it’s got internet installed, which renders the whole thing kinda useless. How fucking relaxed can I get if I’m not able to see Twitter?

Aura Cleanser is $12.95 worth of mystery liquid in a four-ounce spray bottle. The manufacturer claims it will “fluff up your aura with this incredible alchemy mister.” You might want to read the full description if you haven’t gotten your RDA of mystical energy bullshit yet today.

I have obsessions. Maybe I even have a lot of them. But I try to recognize that I’m getting too concerned with something and just let it go. I don’t buy a special tool to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the toothpaste tube.

Here’s the deal with consumer products. They are labeled “to delivery” which means that in every 6-ounce tube of toothpaste, there’s actually more than six ounces inside. The average user can squeeze six ounces out, leaving some residue inside, but surely getting their moneys’ worth of toothpaste. Same with deodorant and hairspray. They put a little extra in there so you get what you paid for.

If you can’t help thinking about your lost toothpaste and you buy a torture device to angrily force the residual tenth of an ounce of fucking Colgate out of the tube and into your crazy mouth, then you don’t need an $18 toothpaste-tube wringer. You need to talk to a professional, or maybe just a mirror to look into, so you can ask your reflection if you’re being unreasonable.

This possibly-illegal-in-some-states $17 brass-knuckle iPhone 4 case may be the best way to turn a two hundred dollar phone into a fistful of broken glass.