The Worst Things For Sale

As implausible as it sounds, a ripoff book has stepped in to steal the thunder from A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay, a book I wrote about a few months back. This one is called Taken By A Billionaire Dinosaur Part Two: Jurassic Boner. You can “Look Inside” to read a bit of it on the product listing, but why? Just reflect on the phenomenon. This is the world we live in. We’re never leaving this planet. We’re stuck here with the dinosaurs, and they’re rich, and they want to fuck.

I am still just a cat in a cage.

I am still just a fan on a stage.

I am still just a sock with a flame.

I am still just a man with a mane.

The Eyelid Trainer claims to reshape your eyelids if you wear it five minutes every day. I haven’t been able to find any evidence that it works, but if you’re into body mods and you haven’t done your eyes yet, I guess you could give it a whirl. You could probably even wear it at the same time as Nose Up, the nose shaper that looks like a goddamned Chip Clip.

I’m not sure what’s “easy” about strapping 12 warm beers to yourself in a terrorist vest, but if you find this makes your life easier, then this is the thing for you. I’m not sure if you can wear this at the same time as the EZ DRINKER Camouflage Grill Apron, which itself holds six beers and an auxiliary red cup, but there’s only one way to find out.

The touch-sensitive pads say “B B B Body R R R Rap” when you press them. It’s “collectible,” which, I suppose, depends on whether or not you collect Body Raps.

You might be tempted to think a “Geeky Chef” is someone who is obsessed with crafting the most unique, best-tasting foods possible. Nope. It’s someone who mixes avocado and food coloring into a cup of milk and says that it’s a recipe for “blue milk.” (You can find worse if you use the “Look Inside” link, here.)

The euphemistically-named Goosh Pants brag that they are “light weight for wearing extended periods.” Which is what you’d do with a pair of white pants that’s made to look as though you’ve urinated and had diarrhea in them, and the urine and feces dripped down the legs of your pants, realistically staining them. (I had to blur these, but, if you don’t know what poop and pee looks like, feast your eyes on it over here.)