The Didgeridoo-Playing Ninja Dog

digeridoo-dog-player

We’re all searching for meaning. This dog is just one of us, bumbling through the universe, never getting more than a tenth of a percent of the way to enlightenment. Who are we to judge this creature? Who among us would be the first to say that silently stalking a victim in the night for revenge before returning home to tongue the deeply-resonant indigenous Australian instrument is no way to achieve bliss and knowledge? Not I, and nor should you. Namaste.



Foot Pads Don’t Do Anything

foot-pads-dont-work

Let’s go point-by-point through the seller’s claims for these adhesive foot pads. They claim to be a “natural way of removal” for these materials:

  • Heavy metals: These can not be removed through the skin.
  • Metabolic wastes: The main metabolic waste your body produces is urea, as a result of protein consumption, and this is excreted through your urine. The trace amounts of phosphates, sulfates, and minerals you consume which are not used by your body are excreted in your feces.
  • Toxins: Your liver metabolizes almost everything that could be considered a “toxin.” There are not free-floating “toxins” in your body if you are alive.
  • Microscopic parasites: The average human body has roughly ten times the number of bacterial cells as human cells. You carry anywhere from three to five POUNDS of bacteria in and on your body. Foot pads will not remove them, which is good, because the human microbiome is essential to digestion and the immune system. (And if they mean parasitic worms, an antihelminthic agent will do more to remove these than foot pads.)
  • Mucus: If you have mucus on your feet, you need a shower, not a foot pad.
  • Chemicals: Same.
  • Cellulite: Come on.

There’s an As Seen On TV version called Kinoki, which claims to do generally the same as these, plus “relax muscles and tendons.” Hilariously, they cut them into smaller pieces to put on your eyes, too.

What is a gift card?

amazon-snowflake-gift-card

Your eyes widen as you take the snowflake-shaped tin. Is it jewelry? Ear buds? You pull the top off to reveal an Amazon gift card, purchasable in any amount, essentially money. As you use it later to purchase a trinket, you reflect for a moment on the nature of gift-giving. We live in a time of relative prosperity, and the symbolic act of giving gifts has been replaced by a system of value. We’ve invented things to entertain ourselves, as a species, and then, over the centuries, turned them into joyless role-playing games. You enter MOM’S HOUSE. You open SNOWFLAKE TIN. You find GIFT CARD ($50).

As you ponder whether a solution to this problem even exists, the dopamine rush from hitting “Check Out” disrupts your train of thought. Your trinket will arrive in two days. Onward to another tiny puff of dopamine, another click, another ping, another red dot somewhere to be snuffed out. Might check the tracking for the trinket. Might have updated. Might be a little bit of dopamine there.



Realistic Dead Woman

trapped-mannequin

Forever leaning up against the window, pleading for someone to help her… forever stuck in her unmoving, dead body. (The manufacturer has more pictures on the listing, but this one was the least gross.) But the “please help me” mannequin isn’t the worst. Not by a long shot. I’m going to say the doe-eyed little-girl mannequin with the body of an adult woman is the grossest one you can buy in America today. “The skin feeling of doll is close to a gril,” they brag.

For the mannequin-fucker on a budget, there is the hard-nippled Realistic Sexy Female Fiberglass, which includes “Free wig (we will choose the wig for you.)”






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.