A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay


How does a dinosaur get a billion dollars? How does an animal choose a human’s sexual preference? And since when did dinosaurs and primates co-exist? You can answer these questions by reading the 15-page masterpiece “A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay.”

It’s by the author of the Transformer-creampie story “Transforming Robot Punished Me.”

UPDATE: Egg App Is Still Stupid


The Quirky Egg Minder, a wi-fi tray which monitors how many eggs you have in it, is now only $24. That’s way cheaper than it was when I wrote about it last year! Unfortunately, it’s still twenty-four bucks too much for an app that’s competing with opening your fridge door.

Nazi soda


Amazed by the rudimentary joke they made, the creators of “Not See Kola” branded their sugar-water with a Nazi-esque label and blackletter typeface. “NOT SEE, do you get it?” I’m guessing they say at least a dozen times a day.

I’m sighing so hard I’m about to pass out from lack of oxygen, but… Not See Kola is from the makers of Leninade.

The Worst Pet Treats


This listing is for “200+++ Dermestid Beetles” and they’re described as “pet treats.” Dermestid beetles are also known as skin beetles, and will eat skin and flesh from animals, leaving only the bones. Probably not the best “pet treat” out there.

Sexy Scrabble


Halloween’s almost here, but this is your final reminder that nothing is safe from the clutches of Sexy Halloween For Women. Not even a word game whose play involves memorizing thousands of useless letter combinations like JO, ZA, and AE.

If you need something less cerebral than this plastic dress that says BOO and SPOOKY, let me suggest Sexy Checkers.

And if that doesn’t invite enough people to grab your bathing-suit area, there’s Sexy Tetris, where you hold a handful of Tetris tiles and let people stick them to your tiny dress.

Teddy Tank



The Teddy Tank is a toy marketed to children which has a plastic fish-tank in the belly of a teddy bear. The manufacturer claims it’s “two toys in one,” but of course, you can’t do anything with the bear, since it’s full of water, and a fish is not a toy. This bad idea will invariably end with the death of a fish, some dirty fish-water on your carpet, and a crying child.

Your Brain Is Primarily Occupied By Advertising

Halloween is a time of dreams, when we can be anything or anyone we choose to be. And the United States of America is a country where we eat big, drive big, and we damn sure dream big. We don’t “dress up” for Halloween. We “be” for Halloween. Kids ask themselves, “What are you going to be for Halloween?” It’s a linguistic tip of the hat to the idea that the spookiest of holidays is for transformation, beyond our earthly means. So… what do you want to be for Halloween?


I want to be an insurance commercial for Halloween!


I want to be a hamburger commercial for Halloween!


I want to be a different insurance commercial for Halloween!


I want to be a different hamburger commercial for Halloween!

Unless you’ve lived without popular media for the last decade, you know who these characters are. And the next time your neighbor says hello, but you don’t know their name (let alone anything about them) remember that you know characters from commercials better than you know the actual people who sleep thirty or fifty feet from you, every night, for years.

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