Mac’n'Cheese Body

mac-n-cheese-shirt

If you want people to know that you’re primarily composed of macaroni & cheese, living in America would do the trick. So this shirt probably overstates the obvious. But if you want to make absolutely sure you communicate your carby-fat lifestyle to everyone else, a roll of mac’n'cheese-print duct tape would do the trick.



The Eternal Halloween

dachsund-skeleton

As sure as the Earth traces a helix ’round the Sun as our galaxy spirals out in the expansion of the universe, so does the icy hand of death await us all. A billion years of natural selection, branches of the evolutionary tree dividing and sub-dividing to eventually produce a dead dog on a kitchen counter. Children run from house to house as dusk falls, and life continues without the dachsund. A pancreas succumbs to a lifestyle of force-fed sugar. Two lives forever ripped asunder, their paths never again to cross, from a candy trade gone wrong. Such is Halloween, and life.    



Starbuds Dabuccino

 

starbuds-dabbucino

If you thought that the dopey stoner “culture” would disappear as cannabis tilted forwards into full recreational legalization, I’m sorry to disappoint you.



Legos With Guns

lego-murder-soldier

Although Lego has dropped the ball in recent years by creating the Friends series of “Legos For Girls,” they, at least, never armed their minifigures with modern murder tools. That’s where American companies come in, to “liberate” these happy, high-taxation-rate Danish minifigs from their progressive overlords. You can now arm your Lego men with Lego-scale M-16s, combat shotguns, dual-wield Uzis, rocket-propelled grenades,  or (above) buy a custom-outfitted modern murder-soldier, strapped with magazines and holsters.

And just like American soldiers, when they’re done with their tour of duty, there’s no psychiatric Lego hospital to help them work through the trauma.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.