Cooking For Depressed People

tiny-fry

What is more depressing than cooking a single egg in a tiny, four-inch frying pan? I’d say it’s a tie between Microwave For One, a cookbook printed in 1987, and A Man, A Can, A Microwave, which somehow was coauthored by the editors of Men’s Health. If you’re feeling depressy (or want to bring down your good mood) you can hit the “Look Inside” link on the last one to read a microwaved steak recipe.



Nonsai Tree

fake-bonsai-tree

A bonsai tree is a work of contemplative skill, requiring decades of careful watering, patient shaping, and attentive maintenance. So it only stands to bear that you can buy a fake bonsai, to give you the look of such an endeavor with no effort.

A Stick Up Your Ass

upright-chair

This is an “upright chair”, which gives the observer the effect that you’re propping yourself up on a stick you’ve shoved up your ass. It’s also only a chair in the loosest definition of the word “chair.”



Got goatse?

got-goatse-mug

 

The perfect mug for someone who wants to combine a 23-year-old ad campaign with a 19-year-old “shock image” of a man’s butthole.

At work.



The Soylent Food Bar Might Kill You

soylent-food-bar

Soylent, a product named after the fictional product Soylent from the movie “Soylent Green” (and originally the book “Make Room! Make Room!”) was to be a nutritional shake you would drink instead of eating meals. Even though such a thing already exists, “lifehackers” picked up the Soylent drink and ran with it, the idea being that our lives are so busy with work and leisure that food gets in the way. The company sold millions of dollars of Soylent, despite the fact that the product was initially made in a converted factory building that contaminated the powdered version of the product with mold and heavy metals.

A couple of years later, Soylent released Food Bar, the Repo Man-styled block of solid food that enables you to… uh… not eat food, I guess. This product also obviously exists in every gas station and supermarket on the planet, usually in the form of a protein bar. But this didn’t stop the lifehackers, who bought it, and ate it, despite it making them ill. Some users vomited after consuming Food Bar, some had diarrhea, and the luckiest Food Bar consumers experienced both. The company insists this is due to everyone having an intolerance to one of the ingredients, while many users suspect contamination of Food Bar has led to Food Poisoning. They continue to eat Food Bar, tracking their horrifying symptoms in spreadsheets, unaware that being tricked into sickness by a company telling them they don’t have to eat food might not have increased their productivity after all.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.