The Worst Things For Sale

It’s starting to get cold out, but I’m sure you can make it through this winter without a pair of mittens that have a hidden flask inside.

Either the paper would be too soft to write on, or you’d have to wipe your ass with the world’s worst toilet paper. There is no winner in the game of Sudoku Toilet Paper.

The “Butter Mill” lets you load it with cold butter, which it then grinds up, so you don’t have to wait for it to get warm before you can spread butter on your food. Congratulations to Cooks Innovations for monetizing the space of “I eat so much butter I need a butter grinder, but I lack the planning to keep the butter on the table instead of in the fridge.”

What is the most American egg, you might ask? Obviously, it’s a fried gun egg. Because the only thing that can stop a bad guy with an egg is a patriotic American hero, also with an egg, and the hero will get his egg out first, and save the day.

“I Want To Be Bacon When I Grow Up” is poorly written and illustrated. In an apparent attempt to outdo the authors, though, over a thousand one-star reviews have been left for it, comparing livestock farming to rape and slavery. This is like politics, because even if you kind of agree with one side, everyone involved is an asshole.

You might look at this alligator-headed plastic tank and think, “how would a child pee into that without getting it everywhere?” The answer is, according to the reviews, they don’t. Also, it leaks.

I’m usually skeptical of reviewers’ stories, but this one seems like it might be real. Why did this guy’s “nice doughnut” upset his wife? What is the “doughnut fiasco?” These are questions I can’t answer. Maybe you can figure it out.