The Worst Things For Sale

Finally, after over ten years of being forced to use a clumsy stylus with our smart devices, a company has invented a finger-mounted stylus to allow you to control your phone and tablet with your finger.

Connect-A-Desk is a harness system that allows you to strap a board onto yourself, for carrying a laptop, clipboard, or… well, that’s pretty much it. There’s a small gallery of despondent people having to use Connect-A-Desk at work, none of them happy. I wouldn’t be happy either.

At least it’s not as dangerous as strapping your laptop to your steering wheel.

The PetChatz PawCall is a “smart button” that alerts you when your pet wants to talk to you. The button also dispenses a treat. By letting your pet use this, you are using food as a reward to train them to repeatedly alert your phone while you’re at work or in another room of the house.

It works exclusively with PetChatz HD, a two-way video and audio system mounted at animal-height on your wall to allow your pet to video-chat with you while you’re at work. PetChatz doesn’t just dispense treats and prison-phone your animal, it releases PetChatz essential oil to “calm your pet.”

Licki is a cat brush you hold with your mouth, to simulate licking your cat with an enormous, spiked tongue. There’s a video of a guy using it on his cat in the listing if you’re not sure how this works, or you want to experience the horror by seeing it for yourself.

You will, of course, also need this for the mounds of cat hair you collect.

The Tespo is a countertop appliance into which you insert disposable pods, containing powdered multivitamins, which the machine mixes with water, and which you then drink. Its manufacturers push the idea that traditionally cheap, ubiquitous vitamin pills contain “junk,” a problem remedied by purchasing vitamin pods from Tespo. As you might expect, the machine itself has mixed reviews, with some customers saying that it broke quickly, and others pointing out that, like the Juicero, you can squeeze the vitamin powder out of the pods using your hands, obviating the need for the machine.

I guess it’s good for doctors to get some practice before they get in there for real and start chopping, but we both know weirdos are online buying this thing for other reasons. (Image here is pixellated for obvious reasons, but if you need to see the uncensored version, which you don’t, it’s on the listing.)

Beardaments are ornaments for your beard, as you probably deduced from the name, or the picture. The only good thing about them is the manufacturer’s warning to look out for counterfeit Beardaments.