The Worst Things For Sale

The answer, sadly, is yes. The “26.2″ you see on cars (in magnet form here), which is the length in miles of a standard marathon, was trademarked in 2008. It’s registered as a “standard character mark,” meaning that you cannot print the number 26.2 in any form on athletic wear (including shoes) or car stickers/magnets without violating the trademark.

I could spend all day in the “numbers that are illegal to use” rabbit hole, so I’ll leave you with just one more: NASCAR has a registered trademark for the number 3.

If you’ve been wondering what’s worse than Perfect Polly, the fake bird that turns its head and chirps, the answer is Polly The Insulting Parrot. It’s triggered by sound and says things like “I’m going to rip off your head and shit down your neck.” There’s definitely a demographic in this world for a toy that screams “fuck” and “tits” through a tiny speaker, but I’m guessing you’re not in it, if you can read well enough to get this far into a paragraph.

“Healing Is Voltage” is an insane treatise by quack doctor Jerry Tennant, who claims that cells operate within certain voltage ranges, and that we must measure the voltage of our organs, and apply external voltage to them to treat our diseases. Considering the book begins with a rambling 10+ page prologue complaining about Microsoft Word, the Oxford comma, Adobe, the separation of church and state, Wikipedia, boxing, the Constitution, and the Boy Scouts (hit the Look Inside link if you want to read it for yourself) you can safely assume it to be quackery.

Also, there’s the small detail that -20mV, which he claims to be “healthy”, is a lot lower than the electrochemical potential across the membrane of any functioning human cell. And cells have to maintain this gradient by using ATP to transfer cations (not electrons, as he claims.) But you probably don’t actually need an actual biochemical explanation of why alternative medicine is insane.

“Shawty, lemme clone that pussy,” the rapper autotune-sang into the studio microphone. “Let me clone it.” The track ended, and he shook his head. It just didn’t have the je ne sais quoi of his last #1 hit, “I’ma Fuck Your Inflatable Grandma.”

“Jewelry In Candles” is perplexingly popular this year. It’s a candle, and you burn the candle, and there’s a ring inside. Obviously, it’s a really nice ring, since the candle itself is about twenty bucks.

You’d be better off getting the Kisa cat-shaped candle, which reveals a metal cat skeleton as it burns. But not everyone’s household is brutal enough to handle this.

Garbage Pantz is a plastic cover you put on your outdoor trash can, to make it look like it’s wearing pants. It’s real and people love it.

In an apparent attempt to create the world’s worst alarm clock, the makers of the Secret Agent Alarm Clock created a gun-shaped clock that requires you to depress the trigger to view the time. It’s somehow even less convenient than the alarm clock that flies into the air, emitting a piercing shriek until you plug it back into the base. But it comes with the added bonus of being shaped like a gun, to allow you to be “accidentally” shot by a cop, should you travel with it or have it nearby when they kick your door down without knocking.