The Worst Things For Sale

I’m not sure you need a Rapid Ramen Cooker to microwave noodles. You could probably use any microwave-safe container. But… what’s this?

Huh. Well, maybe it’s worth the money, if it reduces the sodium, because—

Never mind. 

If you want to let Foodie Dice determine what hip combination of ingredients you should use in your next meal, then go for it. But for my money, the hottest foodie dice you can roll is going to one of your city’s food trucks. Will your artisanally-brilled dog dick give you salmonella? Will it cost $14 or will you luck out and pay only $11? Will you have to wait 30 minutes, or will you get it in a jiffy?

(A jiffy is a food truck term for 22 minutes.)

I can show you almost nothing of this box here on my actual blog (go to the product listing if you’re ready for the hilarity of the actual picture) but I can describe it: a dong, with a tiny butt on the end of the dong, with a big hole in the tiny butt.

The Photojojo Spy Lens lets you photograph subjects at a 90° angle from the way your phone is pointing, so they won’t be able to tell you’re taking a picture of them. It would be easy to play it off as a harmless toy, but the manufacturer’s own pictures show it being used to take a picture of someone on a public bus without their knowledge, as well as someone hanging it around the corner of a locker room, complete with creepy grin.

The Nicodemus Coffin Bed is a padded coffin whose slogan is, according to the product listing, “Why buy a casket for just one day?” In case you thought it was just a bed, they add “Use it as a coffin when the time arises.” It looks less comfortable than the quilted, padded Star Legacy Deluxe Casket, but at least it’s not the $59 corrugated-cardboard special.

If you’re going to walk around with a loaded handgun, why not leave that ol’ thing hanging out in your “Gun Tote’n Hobo Handbag” and keep your hand on it the whole time you’re out of the house. It’s like a dreamcatcher, but instead of catching bad dreams, you get really scared because you saw a minority, and you shoot them.

I’ve pondered this question for years and I think I finally figured out what a “man cave” is. These soy candles tipped me off, because why are you burning a scented candle, Guy Who’s So Manly He Has To Have A Man Cave? And why do they have to be soy? Something’s fucky here.

A man cave is not what it claims to be. If this sign said “Hydrate with wine. I don’t exercise” it would be in your mom’s house, because your mom hung it up there.

A man cave is actually an excuse for a man to decorate a room in his house as if he were a suburban housewife. Look at this precious wooden shelf for “shot glasses.” It’s for Precious Moments figurines, dude. I know what’s up. You got your Precious Moments in there so they don’t knock together and chip the paint.

There’s nothing wrong with being a suburban housewife. I’m not saying there is. You just can’t claim to be doing manly shit in your “cave” if you need a cute throw pillow that matches your other pillows.