The Worst Things For Sale

Mug Muscles is a $17 plastic mug combined with a hand-gripper tool. If you want to drink your beer out of a plastic mug while you squeeze a spring with a few pounds of tension on it, then this is the piece of crap for you.

Of course, if you want to actually build your grip strength, you could get a “Captains Of Crush” hand gripper, which comes in different sizes from 60 lbs to 365 lbs of tension.

Wondering how to take six bottles of beer from one place to another? I present to you “Wooden Six Pack Beer Tote”, an expensive yet necessary accessory for the person who drinks bottles of beer.

You know what would be handy? If beer came in some sort of multi-beer holder, made out of cardboard, when you bought it from the store. Oh well.

The worst part of Yummy Cum is not the name, surprisingly, but the fact that the manufacturer warns, “Check with your doctor first.” Okay, let me go take this sex bottle to my doctor and ask him if it’s okay to take an unregulated combination of plant extracts to blast flavor out of my balls. I’m sure that will be worth spending two hours in his office, plus the co-pay for the office visit.

The slogan of The Selfie Brush is “Look good on Facebook, Instagram & Twitter.” It’s a plastic brush that holds an iPhone in the back, next to the mirror. Which you don’t need, because you can see yourself on the iPhone screen, which is larger than the mirror. There’s no hole for the rear-facing camera, either. But check out this picture of users making selfie faces into it! They love it!

“DON’T WASTE THIS IN COFFEE,” writes a caps-lock-loving reviewer named Edward, who goes on to extol the virtues of eating Nestle Coffee-Mate with a spoon. It’s tempting to think he’s joking, but the caps lock and the “Verified Purchase” shown on the review have convinced me he’s serious as a coffee-creamer-induced heart attack.

I don’t know if I’d take love advice from Carlos J. Lee, author of “Bitch Are You Retarded?” Apart from the obvious, he’s also the author of “Baby Car Car: A Disturbing Story Of Demonic Torment And Possession.”

“I Fucked The Puppet” is an erotic book about a woman who has sex with a giant green puppet.

Instead of a smooth, fuzzy nothing where Dong’s stubby green legs came together, he now had a long, green [...]

You can read more of this work of art on the “Look Inside” link, if you feel the need.