The Worst Things For Sale

Even if running an electric current through your facial muscles caused them to grow or tighten (it doesn’t, not in any permanent or long-term manner) you’d still have wrinkles. Those happen in your skin, not your muscles, as it loses flexibility over the years.

Obviously, there are better ways to rid your computer of viruses and spyware than this non-branded $99 software DVD. But do they have a picture of a woman biting a computer? No, they don’t.

For $42, if I’m going to make my own d*ldo, it had better not look like my own chub. It should look like the Space Shuttle, or Kim Jong Un, or the Eiffel Tower with veins. I don’t think that’s a cuss word, by the way, I’m just keeping G**gle from yelling at me because they put their ads on here which I get paid for if you click.

This tiny “wall safe” seems like a good idea, except for one glaring problem: Where am I going to hide all my electricity now that it’s full of pearls and money?

The author of the book “Melanie’s Marvelous Measles” claims that measles and other childhood diseases are “not only benign, but good for children.”

I’d like to see her tell that to the members of my family who died of measles because they had the misfortune to get the disease before there was a vaccine. OH WAIT, SHE CAN’T, BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD, BECAUSE OF MEASLES.

This bumpy carpet is over $1,300. Perfect for the design aficionado who appreciates great design, but not enough to not put a shitty TV on top of a stack of magazines in his empty white apartment.

You probably already know Kim Jong Il as being the dead ex-leader of North Korea who presided over the country’s descent into famine. But did you know he was also an author, kind of?

One of KJI’s favorite things to do was “on-the-spot guidance”, which he would give at construction sites, communal farms, factories, or movie sets. He’d show up and give them Kim Jong Il Pro Tips, which were accepted readily by everyone, because the alternative was to be killed immediately, or worse, sent to a labor camp with their entire family, tortured for years, and then killed.

Living in a bubble of his own making, KJI took the praise of his advice to mean that he really was a genius, especially in cinema, and wrote this book to get his great movie ideas into writing. Bizarrely, you can still buy it online.