Hanukkah is almost over, so it’s almost too late for me to post No Limit Texas Dreidel.

Almost.

It’s awful not to receive a present for Christmas, but getting “nothing” instead is much, much worse. There’s no way you can pretend that they forgot, or were stressing out so hard about trying to make you happy that they were unable to make it to the store. It shows a level of commitment to making your holiday shitty that most people don’t have for buying an actual present.

For those unwilling to toast their own bread comes…. Pre-toasted bread.

Hey, they finally made that “DISLIKE” button you wanted! And it’s a self-inking stamper so you can go around your house frowning, stamping it on peoples’ pictures, stamping it inside of books you own, stamping it on your television screen.

Stamp it on your elderly grandmother. “Get me some Ensure.” Dislike.

Stamp it on your receipt. I can’t believe these prices. Dislike.

Stamp it on the entire Earth. We’re destroying everything, accelerating our demise through greed, hatred, ignorance, and fear. Until we evolve, every successive generation will be worse, feel worse, know less, and have less. And we won’t evolve. This is it, this is as far as we get, and we all know it. Dislike.

You could buy the Alessi Blank Wall Clock (above) for $163.

Or you could buy the “Little Big Time” clock for $15 and stick it to a whiteboard.

Or you could just skip the whole clock ordeal because it’s 2012 and we’ve programmed ourselves to look at our phones when we want to know what time it is.

You and me, we like to read words with our eyes. If we’re gonna sit down on the toilet for a while, and don’t have a book or a phone to read, we’ll grab anything. Random magazine. Catalog. Back of a shampoo bottle. Hmm, yes, methylisothiazolinone, very interesting.

For those who don’t treasure the written word, there is Shit Golf.

The theremin is responsible for the eerie, swooping tones you’ve heard in music since the 1950s. It is almost never responsible for notes in a melody played in-tune, because it’s like playing a string instrument with no frets (such as a violin) except the neck doesn’t exist. You are left trying to hold your hands at imaginary points in the air, and unlike traditional instruments, the note sustains until you touch the volume hoop, which is counter-intuitive, and also a huge pain.

Obviously, you could practice this thing for years, and get good at it, but this is 2012, there are better and more fun things to do. We could all learn how to weld, and build our own cars out of sheet-metal, but we’re going to look at Tumblr and take photos of what we’re eating and then say we’re bored.

What do we want? Instant gratification. When do we want it? When do you think we want it.

(GIF via cannibalcomfort)