The Waring CC150 cotton-candy machine brags that its plastic parts are BPA-free. That’s great, but it doesn’t help the fact that the best case scenario for buying a $49 cotton-candy maker is that you didn’t waste your $49 because you eat cotton candy all the time, every day.

Ah, Adult Nude Female Playing Cards. You’ll have to click through to see these (which you’ll want to do if you’re not at work.) Most of us have destroyed entire parts of our brain by watching free streaming HD porn and playing Grand Theft Auto whenever we want. For the few who still have functioning dopamine receptors, playing games with a deck of cards and looking at the 80’s-style lady pictures on them may be all you need to have a great day.

Customers who bought this item also bought Hot Girls Playing Cards, Nude Women Playing Cards, and Female Nude Playing Cards. OooOOOooooh, look at me, I don’t have anhedonia from years of watching GIFs of guys crunching glass jars with their buttholes, I’m so special, I can get a thrill from 2 boobs on a 9 of spades.

Obviously, there are better ways to rid your computer of viruses and spyware than this non-branded $99 software DVD. But do they have a picture of a woman biting a computer? No, they don’t.

There are a billion new-agey heal-y energy things online, so I try to only pick the worst. I feel that “Pocket Crystal” deserves special attention. Not for its crystal powers, or lack thereof, but for the fact that the manufacturer claims that they don’t just send you any crystal, but instead, ask the crystals which one wants to be yours. I’m not kidding – read the description.

Even if running an electric current through your facial muscles caused them to grow or tighten (it doesn’t, not in any permanent or long-term manner) you’d still have wrinkles. Those happen in your skin, not your muscles, as it loses flexibility over the years.

Wrinkles are the body’s natural sign that you are getting good at fucking, so you probably shouldn’t try to iron them out in the first place.

The “Little Green Pouch” is a 4-pack of six-ounce pouches. It costs $20, and it is labeled “Reusable food pouch.”

I have some reusable food pouches in my house right now, as a matter of fact, but they’re not these. They’re called Ziploc bags and they do not cost $5 each.

I don’t care how many eggs you eat a day. You just don’t need an Egg Genie. Everything in your kitchen can cook an egg. The stove, the microwave, the coffee maker, the toaster oven, probably the toaster.

If you can’t cook an egg with the appliances and accessories available in the regular American household, the problem lies within. Close your eyes… your internal life is in black and white. You’re always messing up the eggs. You drop the eggs. You shake your head. Maybe you do need this fucking egg tub.