“Hey, I smell bacon… did you have bacon for breakfast?” your boss asks, leaning into your cubicle.

“I suppose you could say that,” you reply, winking.

As your boss turns to leave, you continue. “Haha, no, I was jacking off with Bacon Lube.”

The Lint Lizard is a plastic hose that attaches to your vacuum, so you can suck the lint out of your lint trap. You know, the little thing where you reach in with your human hand and pull out the lint? That thing. It removes the lint from that.

Well, it’s supposed to, at least. Curiously, it cannot do this task. The reviews seem to unanimously agree that it cannot suck. It sucks at sucking. That’s pretty bold.

It doesn’t say “good blowjob.” It says one he won’t forget. Maybe that’s why it’s a free book.

Reiki is the ancient Japanese art of healing through touch. “Essential Reiki” is the “Complete Guide” to it. As you might imagine, multiple medical studies throughout the years have found it to be ineffective in the treatment or prevention of any medical condition.

The practice itself, though dangerous to your wallet, is pretty inoffensive. The practitioner holds their hands on various parts of your body, and pretends that magic healing rays are coming out of them, and then you pretend to be healed. The only problem I see with this is that one of the main “focus areas” is the perineum, but as far as that goes, if you’ve never had an old hippie lady get down under your balls and feel around, you haven’t truly lived life.

“Grow Tall” is an herbal supplement that claims you will grow one to six inches in height when you take it. It claims to make your bones actually grow, in adulthood.

It’s plausible that you might be able to irritate your lips to make them plumper, for example. And you can vacuum-pump your baseballs and bat to enlarge them. It’s soft tissue and it’s not impossible to get soft tissue to take up more water or blood and expand. So you have to hand it to Herbal Health Team for being like “Yo, fuck it. Get tall. It’s like… herbs. Or whatever. Who cares what’s in it.”

Which is not to say it’s impossible for your bones to grow in adulthood. It’s just that that’s a disease, called acromegaly, which is incredibly painful and causes you to die early.

The 80s called. They said that nobody who actually had to use technology in the 80s wants to ever do it again. Not even for pretend.

The Canmaker is a trade magazine which prints articles and advertisements about making cans. Twelve issues of it cost $3,147.35.

Which would pay for a 213-year subscription to National Geographic.

EDIT: The publisher is not happy about Canmaker appearing on this blog, and has written to inform me that individuals can purchase Canmaker for only $295.72 yearly. (Also, the direct-from-the-publishers institutional price is $2,873.86, not $3,147.35.)