This is what women police officers look like. They’re wearing bulletproof armor, and they carry tasers, mace, and a handgun. They’re trained to run long distances to catch and restrain fleeing suspects. So, naturally, a girl’s police officer costume looks like this:

But, surely, that’s just one out of many girls’ police costumes, right? Nope. Knee boots and short skirts. All of them. Seriously. Every one. (Those are five different costumes, if you’re brave enough to click.)

“The HY Method” is a self-hypnosis instructional manual. According to the only reviewer, who is definitely not the author himself, the author is good and the book really works.

I’m guessing it does not entail swinging a pocketwatch in front of your own face and intoning “I am getting very sleepy,” because that doesn’t work, because if it did, I wouldn’t be addicted to Cheez-Its.

The Rollie Eggmaster is a “vertical grill”. What this means is that you crack an egg down into this thing and put a stick in the liquid egg, and then you pull it out and it’s an egg popsicle. Which doesn’t sound that delicious, but boy, when you look at that egg popsicle, it…

…hmm, okay.

We’ve finally hit the point of “no more bacon.” Not you and me; we hit that point two years ago as bacon-themed products began to flood the marketplace. But now, even the tasteless fat-and-sugar masses are turning their backs on bacon, with bacon soda the watershed of this decline. “Taste soo wierd and horrible,” wrote one reviewer. “tryed a tiny sip and it tasted soo wierd.”

How is “schoolgirl” a possible Halloween costume for a school-aged girl? We are now at a point in our society where a child can dress up as the pornification of a child getting an education. (The fact that a child getting an education is a topic in porn is a problem to begin with, but I have neither the space nor the time to address that can of worms here.)

Now, you can live your dreams of being a star. As the manufacturer of Beams By Flo says in their infomercial (below), “Why spend thousands of dollars on frustrating music lessons?” Watch it only if you want to see the rapper Flo Rida try to sell people a laser-theremin that plays country music.

The Sun Mullet is a mullet emulator that works with your baseball hat or head to give you a simulated cloth-based mullet. The manufacturer claims it can be used 8 ways, and demonstrates them in a lengthy series of pictures I don’t have room to post here. But I’ll show you just one more, to give you a taste of what awaits.