This is definitely a thing you wanted, right? This $299 suitcase with a built-in scooter? It’s perfect for your lifestyle of scootering places with a small amount of possessions in a tiny suitcase that’s attached to a scooter.

The Toydozer, according to the manufacturer, is a “unique design” enabling kids to clean up Legos. It’s $14.99. It also happens to be almost the same exact shape and size as the plastic box and lid that several Lego sets come in:

I wonder where they got the idea.

“Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray” numbs your throat so you can perform oral sex on a penis more easily. I would have called it Throatfuckitussin, but they didn’t ask me, did they.

I can’t think of any legitimate reason why someone would buy, or sell, an empty iPhone 4S box. And once I started looking at these, I was mystified further. You can buy an iPhone 4 empty box, or an iPhone 5 empty box as well. They’re worth about seven bucks. I guess that makes me a seven dollar-aire. 

I can’t show you the cover of this album. It’s got naked people and dead people and blood on it, which is probably what you’d expect from a band called Vulvectomy. It is, as you’d expect from the mp3 samples, some form of metal. So are, I’m assuming, the “Customers Who Bought Also Bought” bands called Guttural Secrete, Vomitory, Visceral Disgorge, and Prostitute Disfigurement.

The Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream lock is a cute idea, but seriously… if you don’t want to share a pint of ice cream, you can eat the whole thing. It’s only 1,400 calories. For shit’s sake, this is America. If you can’t put away 1,400 calories of ice cream in one sitting, you’re not even in the 50th-percentile of ice-cream eaters in this country.

AdderRX, sold as an “Adderall alternative”, is a jumble of stimulants and nootropics marketed to students. It contains the FDA-banned compound DMAA (1,3-dimethylamine), a stimulant which has caused dozens of health problems, including 5 deaths, since 2008. It also contains synephrine, a chemical that fell out of use in the 1930s, displaced by vasodilators/stimulants that were more effective with fewer side effects. Mixed in with these two shitty drugs are caffeine, vinpocetine, schizandrol, citicoline, and hordenine, all of which raise your blood pressure and, apart from caffeine, are relatively new and untested.

The manufacturer even has the gall to refer to it as “Nuphetamine” in parentheses, suggesting that it is an amphetamine derivative, but no, it’s a quasi-legal mix of heart-explosion chemicals with unknown side effects.