The listing for this leather beer holster claims that it’s for “rugged men”, but I’m not so sure about that. All the manly dudes I know just set their beer on the ground, or a patio, or a rock, or a table if they’re outside. None of them buy a special beer-bondage setup and tuck their shirt into their dad jeans to show it off. Maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong crew. 

These rules are asinine. I have rewritten the top 10 rules for dating my daughter below. They supersede the previous rules.

1. Daughters cannot be created, nor destroyed.

2. No outside food or drinks. They must be purchased from my daughter.

3. An illegal attempt to deceive my daughter will be considered a balk.

4. If my daughter lands on a triple word score, multiply her by three.

5. A daughter in motion will tend to stay in motion.

6. No one may place their hands on my daughter, except for the goalie.

7. My daughter is anonymous. She is legion. She never forgives.

8. You must raise your hand to talk to my daughter.

9. The pressure exerted by my daughter is inversely proportional to her volume, if her temperature remains constant.

10. If this is your first night, you must be my daughter.

“Zombie Jerky” is slimy, green beef jerky that costs $8 for a 1.25-ounce bag. Gas-station jerky is considerably cheaper ($6 for a 3-oz bag) so you’re paying a hefty premium for this little bag of hell. Also, the green goop there isn’t just the print on the plastic bag. The beef jerky inside is actually dyed green and intentionally slimier than usual, to make it “zombie.”

The manufacturer must realize this is stupid, because they actually had to mark the bag “FOR EATING.”

I fucking love energy and power, so I was pumped to see that you could buy a pyramid orgone online. The manufacturer brags that it “helps awake you innate psychic sense”, which is going to be awesome. I can’t wait to be psychic.

The same seller has a “Drink And Food Energizer Orgone.” Do yourself a favor and view the high-res picture of this one. You are gonna be amazed at the really high-quality random pieces of metal this orgone is made of. Then you’re gonna buy it, because you’re not an idiot, and you want your drinks to have a TON of energy, and your food to have a ton of energy, and to “repel predatory forms of life.” (Like crystal-energy hucksters?)

The innocuously named Kirkland Signature Water Resistant 6-Month Flea & Tick Control will also, according to the over 100 negative reviews left by customers, make your dog’s hair fall out. Or make their legs swell up, or develop oily patches on their skin. Or maybe all of those will happen! Taste the toxic rainbow!!!

When you eat Deo Perfume Candy, it causes your body to exude scent.

The active ingredient is geraniol, a terpene which many people are allergic to. Using perfumes or scented products with geraniol can cause your skin to become irritated. So pumping your body full of so much geraniol that you ooze it from your pores is probably not a good idea, unless you’re sure that you’re not allergic to it, and you’re OK with eating perfume from Bulgaria.

Most reviewers suggest that it doesn’t work, by the way, so even if you’re still dying to dose yourself with internal fragrance, you might want to skip it.

The $23 one-gigabyte “mix tape”, a cassette shell that holds a USB drive, lets you relive your younger days of giving someone a mixtape. Except it’s $23. And you know it’s 100% that they’ll copy the files over and reuse the storage, as opposed to like a 90% chance they’ll tape an REM album over your carefully-chosen meaningful songs by an eclectic selection of artists.