This is a sticker that you apply to your cell phone to “reduce radiation by 96.43%.” The good news is that it doesn’t work! If a sticker could reduce the signal strength of your phone by so much, you’d never be able to place a call or send a text message, because the signal wouldn’t be able to make it out of your house, let alone get all the way to the cell tower.

The bad news is that most of the 52 reviews were people claiming that the sticker made their radiation-based illness go away.

The really bad news is that it’s just one of dozens of very popular products. Here are some examples: (1) (2) (3) (4)

Wake your partner up in terror every morning with the Anime Sleep Mask. 

This horrible device plays Christmas songs through a speaker when you unfurl your toilet-paper. That is, it would if it worked. One angry customer wrote “It product is very bad. I don’t like is bad.” If you want to see what the target market for this product types like when they’re mad, there are six other reviews.

If you’re tired of your taoist exercises strengthening your core, or your mind, step into the world of Taoist Feces Exercise. That’s the actual name of this 64-minute video, and in case you’re thinking “oh, it’s a translation error,” no. It’s exercises to make you shit better. It’s free to watch, by the way, if you have an Amazon Prime membership, and you need to learn how to shit better.

This $45 pair of plates is lopsided so all the syrup runs into a puddle at one end. Or, you could not glug a whole cup of syrup onto your pancakes, which would probably save you money on syrup, too. 

Thanksgiving and Hanukkah collide next week, which last happened in 1888, and won’t happen again for hundreds or perhaps thousands of years. (One rabbi estimates it’ll be seventy thousand years, though my guess is that we will no longer have one or both of these holidays in the year 72000.) What this means for marketers is that they have a unique opportunity to create compelling Thanksgiving-Hanukkah products that are only good this year and won’t be reusable ever again. They have, of course, failed at this task.

One example of this is the “When Holidays Collide” paper placemat set. They’ve slapped a clip art of Hanukkah candles over a clip art of a turkey, and then put the same artwork on their “Happy Hanukkah Happy Thanksgiving Double Chocolate Cocoa.” The only saving grace is that they didn’t attempt to create their own word, which the Happy Thanukkah shirt does, regrettably.

A Gobbling Miracle Happened There is a book that combines my least two favorite things: poetry and poetry.

And a pair of rubber duckies dressed like native Americans carrying dreidels and stars of David is a unique way to commemorate two cultures that Europeans tried their best to destroy.

The Happy Thanksgivukkah ornament may be the best, though, because it’s a CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT that combines two holidays that happened a month prior. What better to add to the celebration of European conquest and the Jewish Festival of Lights than the celebration of the birth of presents?

Jesus, I mean. The birth of Jesus. Sorry.

There are over 500 one-star reviews for the new Sony Playstation 4. They all say that it was broken upon arrival.