Monthly Archives: November 2013

Money Soap


A cheap bar of soap costs two bucks, and Money Soap, which has a dollar bill inside each bar, sells for $11. It’s meant to tempt children to bathe, but I think it might be a crazy idea to spend $11 to bribe your kids with a dollar for bathing. Maybe I’m the dumb one, though, and I need to invent Money Shoes. Or Money Burgers. Finish your dinner and there’s real money in that burger. You swam out of my balls and now I have to pay you to stay alive. This society is definitely functional and it makes a lot of sense, kids.

Dirt, crayon, play-doh, bonfire perfume


Demeter perfumes generally smell exactly like what’s on the bottle. “Chocolate Chip Cookie” smells eerily like a freshly-baked cookie. “Tomato” smells exactly like a tomato, which is fine, if that’s what you want. And “Bonfire” smells like you’ve been outside next to a pile of burning wood.

But I’ve always been mystified why you’d want to put on their “Dirt” fragrance. It smells like dirt from the ground. Or “Cannabis Flowers.” Or “Suntan Lotion.” Or “Poison Ivy.” And now they have a “Play-Doh” scent. And “Crayon.” That’s actually what they smell like, too. Who is wearing crayon? Where do you wear crayon?


Luxury Monopoly


The “luxury version” of Monopoly allows you to spend $199.99 in real money on a game that will drive you and your family apart. The same company makes two-hundred-buck versions of Clue and Scrabble, in case your family’s still on your side after Monopoly and you want to drive them into a blinding rage by playing ZYMURGY on a triple-word.

How to survive with no food


The Australian author Jasmuheen wrote this book in 1998, and continues to tour the world to advance her theory of “breatharianism,” the idea that you can use spiritual energy to replace food. Four people have died as a result of following her instructions. Despite this, her career has continued and she published her latest breatharian book last year. She even put out an album, a bizarre mélange of sitar, trip-hop drums and new-age-themed nursery rhymes read by Mother Huffer herself.

While the first law of thermodynamics states that energy can be neither created nor destroyed, it remains silent on the topic of believing a weird old lady if she tells you that you don’t need to eat food.

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