Monthly Archives: July 2014

iStun: The “stun gun” shaped like an iPhone

istun-stun-gun

The iStun is a “stun gun” with a sticker on the front to make it look kind of like an iPhone. Unlike a tazer, a stun gun’s blunt probes won’t work through clothing or let you be anywhere except next to your assailant, physically touching his skin with your fake iPhone. But maybe it makes you feel better, just by having it in your pocket, even if you don’t use it. So maybe it’s a lot like an iPhone after all.



Bigfoot Fuckin’

naked-in-the-forest

Following in the footsteps of “Bigfoot Made Me Gay”, sort of, is “Naked in the Forest,” which is a tale of Bigfoot molesting the author at a young age, and her subsequent return to the forest to repeat the experience.

A third author, seizing the opportunity to jump into the Bigfoot-fuckin’ genre, has written “Bigfoot Depravity,” a tale of Bigfoot slipping the squatch to a captive, tied-down woman, for the entertainment of an audience of rich men.



“Pure” Protein

pure-protein

Protein contains 4 calories per gram. “Pure Protein” protein bars have 200 calories each, and 20g of protein each. So only 40% of the calories actually come from protein. I’d hate to try their “Non-Poisonous Bars”, which would only be 40% non-poisonous.



Bacon Deodorant

PowerBacon1

Stale armpit sweat, swampy and fermented, kind of already smells like bacon. But why live your life with just a hint of pig-stink? Go all the way with “Power Bacon” deodorant.



Rampaging Fuckers Of Everything

rampaging-fuckers

“Rampaging Fuckers Of Everything On The Crazy Shitting Planet Of The Vomit Atmosphere!” reminds me of what my middle-school friends and I used to write in the computer lab in school. We couldn’t say “fucker” or “shitting,” but in either a lack of supervision, an open-minded computer teacher, or a combination of both, it was possible to key in and print stories of people hoarding feces for an annual gathering called “Turd Fight.” We’d workshop each others’ stories, too, to maximize impact, and create dramatic tension in a four-page dot-matrix tract about a secret group who kept frogs in their asses, poking nightcrawlers into their starfish to keep the animals alive.

This book is kind of like that, but less readable, and without a child’s naughty excitement of typing “The assfrogs breathed farts to stay alive” at 9:45 in the morning on an educational computer.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.