Monthly Archives: July 2014

Jumping Stilts

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The Poweriser Jumping Stilts let you fly several feet up into the air, springboarding across hard concrete surfaces as if you had some sort of kinetic-energy-storing devices attached to your legs. Which is great, and fun, until eight minutes in, when you fall at slightly the wrong angle and snap your fibula. Don’t believe me? Check out the review where the purchaser describes these as leaving his teen looking “like he had jumped through a wood chipper.” Then he gave the product five stars anyway. Apparently, hurting a child is just what this man wanted.



Erotic Wall Decals

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This is slightly erotic, Wallmonkeys Wall Decals, but this is for my erotic living room and I know you got something better than “Man Kissing His Blindfolded Wife.”

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Yeah, get some butt in the picture!

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There we go. Full nudity. I knew you could do it, giant wall-decal company. (Unblurred images available on the actual product listings, but I can’t show them here, since you’re probably reading this at work or school.)



Pregnancy Sound System

nuvo-ritmo-pregnancy

The pregnant mother gazes lovingly at her bulging midsection. “Feel the boom,” she cackles, and cranks the Nuvo Ritmo Pregnancy Sound System to maximum volume.

The ad copy promises to let “future mom and dads… record their own voices for the baby to hear” but who are we kidding? Your fetus is already behind the times, musically, and if he or she doesn’t experience the hard-sync blasts of Darude’s “Sandstorm” before being born, they’re going to grow up listening to ragtime or something.  



Vomit Mix Capsules

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The vaguely named “Vomit Mix Capsules” are $16.95, and described by the manufacturer as containing “a proprietary mix of herbs.” No details on what the herbs are, and no picture of the product except for a tiny picture of a woman barfing. The same manufacturer sells “Asthma Mix,” which has a single, one-star review claiming his Asthma Mix Capsules were expired by the time they arrived. Hey, you want a proprietary mix of herbs, you gotta accept that they might be expired.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.