This listing is for “200+++ Dermestid Beetles” and they’re described as “pet treats.” Dermestid beetles are also known as skin beetles, and will eat skin and flesh from animals, leaving only the bones. Probably not the best “pet treat” out there.

Halloween’s almost here, but this is your final reminder that nothing is safe from the clutches of Sexy Halloween For Women. Not even a word game whose play involves memorizing thousands of useless letter combinations like JO, ZA, and AE.

If you need something less cerebral than this plastic dress that says BOO and SPOOKY, let me suggest Sexy Checkers.

And if that doesn’t invite enough people to grab your bathing-suit area, there’s Sexy Tetris, where you hold a handful of Tetris tiles and let people stick them to your tiny dress.

The Teddy Tank is a toy marketed to children which has a plastic fish-tank in the belly of a teddy bear. The manufacturer claims it’s “two toys in one,” but of course, you can’t do anything with the bear, since it’s full of water, and a fish is not a toy. This bad idea will invariably end with the death of a fish, some dirty fish-water on your carpet, and a crying child.

Halloween is a time of dreams, when we can be anything or anyone we choose to be. And the United States of America is a country where we eat big, drive big, and we damn sure dream big. We don’t “dress up” for Halloween. We “be” for Halloween. Kids ask themselves, “What are you going to be for Halloween?” It’s a linguistic tip of the hat to the idea that the spookiest of holidays is for transformation, beyond our earthly means. So… what do you want to be for Halloween?

I want to be an insurance commercial for Halloween!

I want to be a hamburger commercial for Halloween!

I want to be a different insurance commercial for Halloween!

I want to be a different hamburger commercial for Halloween!

Unless you’ve lived without popular media for the last decade, you know who these characters are. And the next time your neighbor says hello, but you don’t know their name (let alone anything about them) remember that you know characters from commercials better than you know the actual people who sleep thirty or fifty feet from you, every night, for years.

The deli keyboard (or as the manufacturer calls it, “Cheese Meat Slices Knife Bread Keyboard”) is printed with a stock image of deli items, just in case you weren’t hungry enough at work. The same company sells ice cream and fruit keyboards, but between you and me, if I’ve gotta replace my regular keyboard with a food keyboard, I’m going with the Fried Chicken Drumstick Keyboard.

The Whistle Activity Monitor For Dogs is a bluetooth collar that pairs with your phone, allowing you to track your dog’s food intake and exercise habits. If you’ve been struggling to micro-manage your dog’s carefree, happy life of treats and running around the yard to sniff things, this is the e-dingle for you. Plug your dog’s stats into the app and hitch them to your hell-existence of daily data entry.

At least it’s not as expensive as the Tractive GPS Pet Tracker, whose apparent use is to enable you to let your dog wander around freely all day, coming back only at night for device syncing and data transfer.

Do you need a way to combine your hobby of riding an expensive bike with drinking expensive beer? Now you can do it in a more meaningful way than loading your gut up with Crazy John’s Double Dick India Pale Ale and cruising through a gentrified neighborhood on your fixie. The absurdly expensive Fyxation Bicycle Carrier lets you carry six bottles of beer on your bike, for whatever reason it occurs to you to do that.

(The same company makes a leather bike-holster for a bottle of wine, if you’re low-carbing.)