“This product did not work at all,” one reviewer complained about Weight Gain Formula, a pill which claims to cause ass-based weight gain after taking it for six to eight weeks. Of course it didn’t! You’ll need to eat more and exercise less if you want to gain weight. The thermodynamics of fat storage are well-studied.

“Major Curves Butt Enhancement Dietary Supplement” has received similar complaints, along with a customer review saying “My man said my but feel heavier”, which they didn’t seem to construe as an enhancement.

“Brand New Booty” works equally well (i.e. not at all) and comes with the benefit of a rap-inspired bottle design and a higher price. If you’re going to go by volume of ass, though, I think the best butt-product of all is Butt Enhancement Cream, which comes with dozens of customer pics of enhanced butts. Does it work? Or does it simply induce people to post their butts on the reviews? You decide.

Some asshole took the entire text of the King James Bible and word-replaced “God” with the phrase “SOME MADE UP GUY.” He’s released almost 300 other bible-derivatives, each of which replaces the word “God” with a millennial’s name. “In the beginning, Isabella created the heaven and the earth,” begins The Holy Isabella Bible.  As they’ve done since the beginning of religion, atheists go out of their way to prove that the only thing worse than someone who disagrees with your fundamental ideas about the universe is an asshole who agrees with you.

You learn about the Civil War in school. You learn about the Emancipation Proclamation, Ford’s Theatre, and the Gettysburg Address, too. But it takes some independent research if you want to find out if Abraham Lincoln, behind closed doors, was a Presidential Fuck Machine.

AL:PFM is by the author of “Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord Of The Moon.”

These glasses let you read or watch television while laying down. They only work if you don’t need prescription glasses, so for the majority of people who’d use these, they’re useless. The only real use for these glasses is:

Which is great, but if you just want weird eyes, “Anime Eyeglasses” give you the big, creepy eyes of your dreams without having to lay down to see anything.

An inflatable hot tub is a bad idea to start with. Holding 184 gallons (1,530 pounds) of water in a flexible plastic container you climb in and out of isn’t the smartest idea our species has ever come up with. Combine that with two 675-watt heaters and you’ve got a recipe for water-based disaster.

The cherry on this particular sundae is the fact that multiple reviewers recommend that you use it inside.

The “SpreadTHAT! Butter Knife” is an almost-$20 butter knife that “uses your body heat to warm the knife edge.” Never mind that a regular butter knife, also made out of metal, does this same thing. And never mind that, according to reviews, it only really works if you heat it under hot water from the tap.

You might think this glass is a good idea. Until you go to use it, and you’re forced to choose between liquor dripping off your hand as you drink beer, or beer dripping down your arm as you try to drink liquor out of a wet, upside-down pint glass.