The Babymop is a one-piece romper you put on your toddler so they clean your floor as they crawl and roll around on it. It sounds good, at first, until you realize that you’ve either got to put your baby on a filthy floor, or clean it before you put them on it in the Babymop, which it defeats the point.

“Haha, I’m just cosplaying, so it’s fine,” you say, slipping on your Nazi “cosplay” armband. “It’s just a fantasy world where I dress up like genocidal monsters.” You slip on your NSDAP Officer’s cap, with silver swastika, and admire yourself in the mirror. “Yeah, my replica Nazi uniform cost about a hundred-fifty bucks, but it’s just a joke, it’s not serious.” Slipping some actual late-1930s eagle-with-swastika reichspfennig coins into your pocket, you turn off the light, grab your 40s-era German national flag, and head out the door. You’re just a regular guy who likes history, and irony, and like the manufacturer said, the flag can be hung either inside, or outside on a flagpole, as one does with a five-foot-wide Nazi flag, just to have fun.

This Christmas ornament combines your favorite things: mermaids, getting UPS packages, the UPS guy showing up with his shirt unbuttoned, and Christmas.

How does he get the package to the door, you’re wondering? Easy. He rides a Santaur. Which is exactly what it sounds like.

You may not have known this, but there’s an entire micro-industry based on getting celebrities to sign a guitar pick-guard, then bolting it onto a cheap guitar. Like Lady Gaga’s, above, which is going for over two grand. Or the similarly-priced Phish autographed guitar, which also has the Phish guy’s face airbrushed onto it. Bizarrely, there’s also an acoustic guitar with Macklemore’s signature on it.

The one that takes the cake, though, is the Squier signed by Paul McCartney. If the price doesn’t do it for you, there’s a few angry reviews that might.

Out of all the body parts a lady could have, it seems bizarre that calves would need “slimming”. But, as my article about arm slimmers probably proved, any body part on a woman can be slimmed with a constricting piece of elastic.

While there are actual medical uses for compression socks, these are described as “Lose Weight Fat Buster,” and claim to “enhance your gap.”

For a dip into a deeper pool of sadness, though, you have to turn to the same company’s thigh shapers, which have a single review from a customer named Caroline, who gave them five stars, saying “Too small for legs, but just right for arms.”

I’ve pondered this question for years and I think I finally figured out what a “man cave” is. These soy candles tipped me off, because why are you burning a scented candle, Guy Who’s So Manly He Has To Have A Man Cave? And why do they have to be soy? Something’s fucky here.

A man cave is not what it claims to be. If this sign said “Hydrate with wine. I don’t exercise” it would be in your mom’s house, because your mom hung it up there.

A man cave is actually an excuse for a man to decorate a room in his house as if he were a suburban housewife. Look at this precious wooden shelf for “shot glasses.” It’s for Precious Moments figurines, dude. I know what’s up. You got your Precious Moments in there so they don’t knock together and chip the paint.

There’s nothing wrong with being a suburban housewife. I’m not saying there is. You just can’t claim to be doing manly shit in your “cave” if you need a cute throw pillow that matches your other pillows.

Is Christmas a loving, comforting time of year for you? Then you’re basic as hell. I’ve found a selection of books that show you the true spirit of Christmas: a cold, porny wonderland.

“Coming Down The Chimney” (above) sounds pretty messy, but it’s a fairly bland story of a lady having sex with Santa Claus.

“Santa’s Sexy Schoolgirl” is a story of a high-schooler having sex with Santa Claus.

“Naughty Elf” switches it up a bit by spinning a poorly-written tale of an elf lady (I think?) having sex with Jack Frost. It’s not really clear.

“Ravaged By Beasts on Christmas” is starting to get there. The book never says what the beasts are. It just says they’re ravaging the real crap out of the protagonist.

But my nomination for best Sex Christmas Book this year is “Christmas Party”. It’s the worst-written out of all of these, and includes memorable lines like:

“You haven’t had sex for more than one year?” asked Brenda to her colleague Tom.

Brenda was lesbian almost entirely but she fucked some men just for fun.

She understood that Tricia was the typical type of woman who liked to enjoy an intense sexual pleasure with loud moans but feel bad for not controlling her body.

You can see these (and more) in the “Look Inside” link for Christmas Party, if you need to do such a thing.

Finally, I’m clearly biased (this is a song I wrote, after all) but there’s only one way to wrap this all up into a tidy package: Fuck You If You Don’t Like Christmas.