If you contained the sum of all human knowledge and were a way to communicate with every person that exists and is still alive then maybe I would.

On the other hand, this shirt wants me to walk into a pole.

“Perfect for your Jewish dog,” states the manufacturer. This Dog-Pope outfit is probably also equally perfect for your Catholic dog, if that’s how you look at religion, and dogs, and dog clothing. The look on the face of this third dog, forced to wear a tiny sombrero, sums up my reluctance to say anything further on the topic.

“The guide covers everything from getting to first base, to scoring a home run [sic],” reads the author’s description of his foul text. Hit the “Look Inside” if you’re up for a look into such a thing.

The Go Plate is a plastic plate that fits over a beer bottle, to theoretically make it easier to eat an enormous bowl of food and drink a bottle of beer while you’re standing up. The practical solution to this is multiple trips to the food line, or a table, or a ledge, or sitting down, or anything.

Capitalism being what it is, if you feel this plate-and-drink setup is somehow optimal, but you drink wine, fear not: there is Wine’n'Dine, a one-handed plastic contraption that holds both food and a glass of wine. There’s even Gourmet Acacia Wood Cocktail Plates, which is a wooden version of Wine’n'Dine, with an accordingly more-expensive price tag, and charming photos of a snack consisting of eight grapes and two cubes of cheese.

And finally, for the person who prefers quantity over quality, there is this 2-quart galvanized-steel funnel into which you can pour any soft food, and/or any combination of liquids, to ensure a perfect party experience. Just dump your edibles and drinkables into the funnel, and straight down it goes, foie-gras style, a half-gallon at a time. This is how we party. We out here.

Philip M. Parker, author of, at last count, over 200,000 books, has released his newest set of computationally-written books generated from public datasets. “The 2016-2021 Outlook For Chlorine Gas In Africa & The Middle East” does what it says on the can, for a $425 price point. It’s a bargain compared to “The World Market for Unwrought Titanium, Titanium Waste and Scrap, and Titanium Powders: A 2016 Global Trade Perspective,” which will run you $795 for the paperback edition.

Mozzer’s favorite doormat, I know, I know, it’s se-eriouuuussssss

The crying-while-laughing emoji had a great year. And believe it or not, this full-face mask is only the SECOND worst mask of the crying-while-laughing emoji. The honor of being the absolute worst goes to the mask that leaves the model’s eyes somberly staring out through the open holes, while the mask cries and laughs without him.

This is even more astonishing when you consider that the distant third-worst goes to a poop emoji mask that’s being sold with a picture of a lady taking a dump while she wears it.