Some people, the day after a tragedy, feel sad. Some people feel angry. Some people talk, some people stay silent. But only the true pieces of shit think, “how can I make money off the mass-murder of others?” That’s where the France Paris Attacks Pray For Paris Peace shirt, above, comes in. Gotta make sure you hit all those SEO keywords to max out your murder money! Also see: DLQUEEN Men’s Pray For Paris, Women’s Paris Pray, and the weirdly-gruesome “My Thoughts Go To All French People Tonight” toddler-sized shirt for 2-to-6-year olds. Who is putting a shirt on their 2-year-old to celebrate the murder of over a hundred people?

Also, if you want a hint as to how fast people rush to stake their claim in this wretched market: the “PRAR FOR PARIS” (sic) shirt shows that these pieces of shit don’t even bother to double-check before they slam the design online.

I guess it’s technically possible to keep a hissing cockroach as a pet, but putting it on a leash so you can “take it for a walk” seems like it might be about establishing an identity for yourself instead of exercising your bug. Especially since you can see in the other pictures that the company drilled a hole in the cockroach to permanently attach the chain to its exoskeleton. 

Bunchems are plastic balls covered with Velcro-like hooks. They might be fun to play with, but according to the customer reviews, the main thing that happens with them is that they get tangled in childrens’ hair. The same parents who have written dozens of bad reviews keep posting pics of their childrens’ hair tangled with dozens of Bunchems, in case you think I’m exaggerating.

The protagonist of this erotic novel finds himself oppressed in the butt by “Starbutts Christmas Blend,” his favorite seasonal coffee.

“On the pillow we purchased the Boobs are touching,” writes a reviewer of this titty-pillow, for whom titty-geometry seems a matter of importance. Were he an astute shopper, he would have bought this combo of penis-pillow, titty-pillow, penis-slippers, and titty-slippers for half the price. But for my money, the plush stuffed uterus is the best bang for your buck. Maybe it’s cause it has a face, or maybe it’s because it has a matching sperm cell.

If you haven’t been keeping up with Matt Farley, The Music Spammer, he’s continued to release dozens of albums since the last time I wrote about him. Most of them are unremarkable, like “Mature Love Songs”, recorded under the name The Toilet Bowl Cleaners, but the one that stands out to me is Animal Poop Songs. It’s filled with material that can only be classified as music in the technical sense, with song titles like “Yorkie Dog Go Poop Poop Stinky” and “Lizard Poop Poop Poop Poop.” Feel free to listen to the streaming samples, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I saw these on Aggro-Gator and, unfortunately (fortunately?) they don’t seem to exist in real life. Sadly, the “limited edition” Cotton Candy Oreos are all too real.