What’s more American than a case of canned hamburger meat? If you ask me, it’s canned fake-hot-dogs, made from textured vegetable protein.

It’s true that the most important things in life aren’t material goods. Buying someone nothing, to make a statement on the materialism of our society, would be a decent way to make a point… if you didn’t actually spend ten bucks on a piece of plastic that says “Nothing” to do it.

The best part about this is that there are multiple versions of “Nothing,” like this hang-tag version, and you can’t blame them, really. The profit margin on selling a piece of paper and a piece of plastic has to be enormous.

As Patrick Henry once said, “Give me therapy, or give me pig!”

The snowman, smiling, says, “Here’s your Amazon Gift Card. I waited until December 23rd to get you something, but I didn’t want to drive to Best Buy.” As giftless as this gift is, if you participated in a Secret Santa this year and got one of these, you made out better than anyone else at your job and broke even on your twenty-dollar-limit by receiving $20 worth of Amazon in exchange for the $20 you spent on someone else’s mug.

After all, the most heavily-marketed Secret Santa gift I could find this year, apart from gift cards, was the Pou-Pourri Secret Santa Toilet Spray, which lets you look your coworker in the eye and wordlessly tell them that you can smell their workdumps.

Sadly, if you order this “on sale” fountain today, it’ll arrive after Christmas. And saving a thousand bucks doesn’t mean much when it costs this much, anyway.

In a world where there is no option to disposing of mucus in a sanitary fashion, The Booger Bin solves that very problem. The choice of flicking your booger out into the room you’re sitting in and wiping it inside The Booger Bin is a false dichotomy, of course, but this is a world where you can sell cotton balls at a one-billion-percent markup by calling them Snowman Poop. Anything goes, here.

No, it’s not a grossout video. It’s a delusional book written by the author of Idris Elba & Me & 26,000 Adopted Kids In Mexico and Roll His Eyelashes He Brought Me 10,000 Mascara Rollers. The rant contained in the description of each of these books is too long and bizarre to include here, but it’s a must-read if you have 60 seconds to spare right now.