Monthly Archives: December 2016

Cookie Shotglasses

cookie-shotglasses

Edible shotglasses made with this mold probably taste like cookies, but they’re also probably the least appetizing thing you could cook out of cookie dough.

Not even edible glitter could make them look good.



The BDSM Coloring Book

bdsm-coloring-book

Attempting to land in the middle of the venn diagram of “adults who color” and “adults who tie each other up” is The BDSM Coloring Book. The customer pictures show that it’s filled with low-grade collages of clip-art, but this is less troubling than the customer review that reveals the author got caught bringing a 17-year-old girl across state lines to have sex with her.

So, unless you’re into funding the sex-travels of a pedophile, but your temperament demands you color in something sexual, you might want to stick with the Sex Position Coloring Book. Or The Fetish Coloring Book. Or, as far as I’m concerned, you could go straight for the unfortunately-named Adult Coloring For Dummies. You’re the one coloring in coloring books, not me. When I need to “unwind” I drink beer and murder people on Playstation like a normal damn American.

Drunk On Christmas

santas-flask

It’s the time of year we all love, and it has nothing to do with family, friends, traditions, or even presents. As winter’s chill begins to set in, each of us hang Santa’s Flask from the mantle and drink wine out of a two-liter plastic bag. The drinkier among us came equipped with the Santa Hat Flask, and have already been “sneakily” drinking from the giant plastic nozzle sticking out of the side.

Santa’s not for everyone, though. For those who worship the stars and stripes above the idolatry of Old Saint Nick, there is another option.



Sip-N-Spoon

sip-n-spoon

The Sip-N-Spoon has a hole in each end, so you can drink cereal milk through your spoon, since that’s something you’ve always wanted to do. The problem with spoon-straws, which already exist, is that they’re usually disposable (like these 400-for-$10 spoon straws) because unless you run a test-tube brush through them, you’re going to be eating cereal out of a spoon that smells like spoiled milk. Using plastic one time and chucking it in the landfill isn’t a great use of resources, either, but it’s worth mentioning.

There’s also the issue that milk dribbles out of the hole in the spoon end as you’re trying to get the cereal to your mouth, and the spoon is thicker than a normal spoon, so it’s like trying to eat cereal off a spatula. But that’s life in the world of consumer goods, where dumping cereal into a bowl of milk is now a painful task we must endure and only made feasible through plastic products, like Obol, a trough-sized double-bowl that lets you keep your cereal and milk separated while you eat it.

Cards Against Humanity: The Ripoffs Continue

cats-abiding-horribly

You have, no doubt, encountered the game Cards Against Humanity by this point. While it’s fair enough that imitators have released games with a similar mechanism, like Joking Hazard and Punderdome, other people trying to get in on the card-based party game take a less-creative approach of simply making their own cards for the original game. And while the original toed the line with Hitler, midgets, Auschwitz, “big black dicks”, “The Jews” (hmm, I’m seeing a trend here) the imitators often go straight for the hate-speech without bothering to wink or nudge. Cats Abiding Horribly: The SJWs Strike Back is, in fact, more or less a list of ways to insult women, minorities, and LGBTs. (The listing shows dozens of cards, if you don’t know how the right-wing talks about these groups of people.)

There are others, like Cows Against Hamburgers, Cocks Abreast Hostility, and Clones Attack Hilarity, which all follow the abbreviation CAH. They’re named that because it’s what the first unofficial expansion, Crabs Adjust Humidity, did, and there’s little room for creativity in this industry.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.