Hatchimals are this year’s very-popular-but-impossible-to-find Christmas present. As you might imagine, third-party sellers are raking desperate parents over the coals by selling them at a premium.

You might be asking “What the fuck is a Hatchimal?” and it’s pretty much exactly what it looks like it is.

We out here, killing the sexy chicken lady game. Blaow, blaow, blaow!

The most amazing part of this is that there is a matching shirt for the husband of the super sexy chicken lady.

I can’t tell whether this review is sincere or ironic. Can you?

Gotta put “GUY STUFF” on your pouch, so no one thinks it’s a purse. Can’t risk putting my items I’m taking somewhere into a container of indeterminate gender.

Then again, you go too manly with your pouch and you end up with (warning: not safe for work!!!) Men’s Pouch.

This magnetic propane-tank cover allows you to put Dale Earnhardt Jr. on your propane tank. It’s like GarbagePantz, but for propane tanks instead of trash cans.

Is there a Rasta Lion propane tank cover? You know it. And a pig in sunglasses smoking a cigar? Obviously. Whichever design you pick, though, the Dale Earnhardt Spatula With Bottle Opener is an obvious match.

BabySaver is what I would have called this box intended to collect your child’s body parts as they fall off. Instead, the manufacturer went with “Baby Teeth Box Wooden Tooth Album Keepsake Souvenir Box Organizer for Boy.” Their instructions include boiling the teeth before sticking them in the box, because there’s nothing that fills you with the joy of human existence like boiling teeth.

There is an even creepier version of this product, made by a different company, and I’ll let you see for yourself what makes it so creepy.

Refresh is, euphemistically, a “toy cleaner.” Un-euphemistically, it’s Windex for dildos. This customer, Dwayne, loved it, until… well, you’ll have to read his sad, short story.