Monthly Archives: December 2016

Fine Art

While I can’t include the pictures here for obvious reasons, the artist behind “Penis Hand,” a $1400 oil painting, notes that it ships before Christmas. It’s less grotesque than her other $1400 painting, “Nude Cowboy,” which also ships to arrive before Christmas, if you’ve got a nude-cowboy lover you can’t find a present for.



Raccoon-Head Hat

raccoon-head-hat

Made with a real racoon’s head, fur, and tail, this hat is kind of grisly so I’ve pixellated it. (The uncensored version is on the manufacturer’s listing.) Regardless of your opinion of using animal fur for clothing in 2016, wearing a disfigured raccoon face on top of your head is antisocial.

The only good thing about this is the manufacturer’s description,  which includes the phrase “EACH RACCOON HAT VARIES BECAUSE REAL RACCOON”.



Electronic Dictionary Bookmark

electronic-dictionary

It’s entirely possible, as the manufacturer claims, that this “electronic dictionary bookmark” was the Gift Of The Year in 2011, even though it doesn’t say who awarded the title, or what other gifts were considered. That also doesn’t explain why people are still buying it in 2016 and leaving reviews. It’s not inherently bad, except for being expensive, not containing many words, and being another piece of disposable electronic trash that will go to the landfill when it breaks. It’ll have company there with its distant cousins Password Safe (a battery-powered device that loses your passwords,) the preloaded Library Of Classics (a $99 mp3 player you can’t load with new material once you’ve listened to it,) and iPad Calculator, an iPad-shaped calculator whose buttons are styled to look like iPad apps.

iKettle, the internet kettle

ikettle-internet-kettle

Even if you exclude the fact that the earth is being ruined by the energy and materials required to manufacture consumer goods, you’ve got to look at the exorbitant price of iKettle and ask yourself if it solves an actual problem that you have. Electric kettles already exist, of course, and there are other obvious ways to heat water for tea, including the already-earth-destroying Keurig coffee machine many people have at home or work.

And even if you didn’t put all of this information into deciding not to buy iKettle, the inscription of the word “smarter” on the side of the thing should tip you off that someone’s trying to trick you. Being unable to heat water without a device that must connect to your phone and use an app that will invariably break sooner or later makes you significantly less capable of performing a basic task than a normal person, and if you feel like you need a tea kettle to tell you that you’re smart, the problem goes beyond making tea.



Electro Deflecto: The Tin-Foil Hat

electro-deflecto-aluminum-tin-foil-hat

Say goodbye to the daily kitchen-labor of molding your own. For just $14.99, you can buy a pre-made aluminum-foil hat. Say what you will, but if you’ve got a mental problem that gets better with a placebo, you may as well go with the cheap placebo, instead of the $649 “Sensor V Pendant” that claims to be, with their capitalization, “Just Like Wearing A Pyramid Over Your Body.”

Why pyramids? The delusional 1985 book Pyramid Power, which claims to be the “#1 Bestseller On Pyramid Energies”, could tell you why, if it made any sense. You’ll be buying a Six Foot Buddha Maitreya the Christ Copper Meditation Pyramid System For Healing ($652.00) before you know it.



Amazon Go: The Shoplifting Store

chef-kitchen-desktop._V523327237_

Amazon Go (watch the video here) is a brick and mortar store run by Amazon where it automatically detects what you carry out of the store and charges it to your account. I don’t know whether this is convenient enough to offset the creeping dread I feel when I watch the video, but as with most business decisions, it’s not up to us to decide whether it’s allowed to exist.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.