PancakeBot is a motorized system that drips pancake batter onto a hot griddle to allow you to create computer-controlled pancakes. It seems specifically designed to violate your sense of being human, of being an animal with emotions and reasoning, tasked with living a moral existence on a planet where over a billion people live without clean drinking water.

It leads us to ask what we, as humans, are willing to do about the pending doom of our species. Some of us believe we need to colonize other planets. Others believe climate change is reversible. And still others believe that the simple act of humanizing the least among us would lift us all, charitably, into a future where all living people can mutually exist on a planet that has not rejected them wholly.

For the others, there is PancakeBot.

Too expensive to give as a gag gift and too cumbersome to heat on a stovetop when you want the occasional waffle, the Keyboard Waffle Iron exists for only one reason: the manufacturers thought of the pun “Ctrl-Alt-Delicious” and thought it was so good they had to go ahead and make the waffle iron.

There are pictures of the resulting keyboard-waffles on the listing, if you can’t deduce from the iron itself what they would look like.

The only upside to the Keyboard Waffle Iron is that it does actually make a waffle, as opposed to the Darth Vader Waffle Maker, which seems to make some sort of shitty pancake instead.

While the listing doesn’t specify which black hole is for sale, we can probably assume it’s Sagittarius A*, a supermassive black hole at the very center of our galaxy, the Milky Way. It’s about four million times heavier than our sun, though nowhere as philosophically heavy as selling a human soul for a few bucks.

Pooch Selfie is an accessory for your phone that, in the manufacturer’s words, “ups your pup’s selfie game.” It’s worth hitting the manufacturer’s listing so you can see their collection of dog pics, even if this probably doesn’t work as well as they’d like you to think.

If it weren’t explicitly used to move capital up into the hands of the hyper-rich, you’d have to admire the genius of marketing. Selling one ounce of cotton candy for an enormous markup, and pushing the product to #1 on the best-seller list in its category, is a technical triumph as much as it is a moral failure.

“But ten percent of the profits are donated to charities!” you cry, in horror. Yes, and even if that’s true, you’re still giving ninety percent of the profits to someone marking up cotton candy. (The manufacturer doesn’t specify which charities they donate to, nor provides proof that they’ve done so, by the way.)

Yes, Serial Vapist shirt, you could take any phrase involving rape and make it about vaping. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. But I found something even worse, and it’s right here, misspelling and all.

“Surely, this is a joke,” you say, having read about the wi-fi crockpot and the wi-fi scale that tweets your weight every time you step on it. But it’s not a joke. It’s a two-hundred-dollar basketball that connects with your phone, and plays sounds from a speaker inside the basketball.

There is also a Bluetooth soccer ball and a “Connected Football”, because we have been cursed with enough collective intelligence to miniaturize and insert wireless technology into everything we own, but rather than use it to bring people together and improve the world, we make it easier to play basketball with ourselves, alone.