Well, that’s a good idea, sign, and it’s…

Yeah, should probably get that slogan on a water bottle too. It’s really important to…

collect…

moments…

As Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s good to remember that nothing says romance like a book full of demand slips you give to your partner for specific deeds. You can see some of the slips in detail on the listing, but they’re as depressing as you’d expect.

“I don’t like avocados,” begins one customer’s review of this avocado slicer. Me either, but my solution is far simpler than purchasing and using an avocado slicer.

For those SEAL type operations that also involve drinking beer for long periods of time, there is the Tactical Beer Coozie.

It’s no “COOL DUDE”, the beer coozie that guarantees you’re not what it says on the side, but in a military operation where seconds can mean the difference between life and death, it’s something essential to your survival.

From the makers of Rapid Ramen comes Rapid Pizza Reheater, the microwave pizza-reheating device whose customers report that “pizza came out soggy” and “The pizza comes out no differently than when I use a paper plate instead.”

Talelight is an “electronic bumper sticker” you control with your phone. It goes beyond the standard stretch-of-logic of regular bumper stickers (that is, the idea that people in traffic care what you think) and imagines that you might want to change your deep thought of a bumper sticker every single day. (Some of their examples are in the gallery on the listing.) Apart from the fact that, no, no one behind you cares what you think, the Talelight mounts on the outside of your car, ensuring that if you display any message of import, a passer-by will rip this expensive piece of shit off your car and either whip it into the woods or take it with them.

The Little Rooster is a vibrating alarm clock that wakes you up by vibrating. This presents an alternate timeline to the evolution of our society, where we used our immensely scaled-up production of plastic garbage to turn everything into a vibrator. Of course, this is the real world, and the vibrator doesn’t work, and most people buy the Gun Alarm Clock when they want a novelty alarm clock, where you shoot the alarm clock to turn it off, and the gun alarm clock is also broken.