The best thing about What Do You Meme is how clearly it shows that capitalizing on “memes,” as they exist in culture, are like capturing a fart in a jar. By the time you can close the lid, it’s gone. No matter how fast you grab stolen pictures and bits of writing from your computer, anything you commit to cardstock will necessarily be dated, a reminder of years past rather than a celebration of contemporary culture. The seal and his neck fat, the baby clenching his fist, the fffffffuuuu guy, all long gone.

Then again, maybe that face when you find out girls poop.

It’s still an octothorpe, and it’s also a hashtag. This is how language works, unfortunately, t-shirt.

It’s a sharp symbol in musical notation, mug, and also an octothorpe, and also a hashtag.

You know where I’m going with this by now. Prescriptivism (the insistence that language is static, and changes to it are necessarily incorrect) is a way of expressing that you’d prefer the world to use the English you grew up with, when televisions were squares with rounded, heavy screens, and our telephones were connected to the wall, and cars burned lead. Our complex descriptors inevitably slide towards expressing a binary of good and bad, and the only way to combat this is to keep language evolving.

Put another way, “<<<<< not mood.”

For the person with a lot of chalk in their life, who loves writing in chalk on objects, the Chalkboard Globe might seem appealing. Of course, reviews note that it’s… drumroll… hard to write on with chalk.

It’s similar to the concept of the scratch-off map, which is a poster-sized map of the world covered in lottery-ticket foil, which you scratch to indicate where you’ve been in the world. I would feel mildly guilty removing the entirety of Canada, seeing as I’ve only been in a handful of its cities along the southern border, and even worse removing the foil from Mexico, after spending an afternoon in Tijuana. For that matter, I’ve never been to Alaska, our nation’s largest state, or Hawaii, its most Pacific Ocean-y. Do you remove the segment of Antarctica claimed by the United States? I realize this is overthinking what amounts to a huge lottery ticket, but experiencing different cultures isn’t like collecting Pokemon, so I’m probably in the wrong target audience for either of these products.

Sinking is the main function of an anchor, but you do you, sweatshirt.

A great idea in theory, and a perfect way to get America interested in sushi, the Sushi Bazooka unfortunately fails in its execution. According to reviews, it breaks easily, is hard to clean, and the rice sticks to the inside. And, personally speaking, it’s a disappointment that you can’t use it to destroy a tank.

If you’re hell-bent on making sushi at home, this set of wooden utensils and bamboo mats would probably do the trick, for under ten bucks. Just make sure you get some decent seaweed to roll them bad boys up. You cheap out there, you’re gonna notice.

The worst part of BoozeBrella isn’t that it’s yet another container to smuggle liquor into an event (see the Wine Rack, BeerBelly, Sneaky Shorts, etc.) It’s this depressing review where a woman describes how her husband’s obsessive use of BoozeBrella has torn her family apart.

NutroVape, manufacturers of NutroVape Energy, a disposable vaporizer that lets you inhale caffeine, have released NutroVape Sleep, a disposable vaporizer that lets you inhale melatonin.

Melatonin is a hormone that can help you sleep, especially if your sleep cycle has been disturbed, and it doesn’t have the withdrawal or habituation effects that most sedatives do. The problem with huffing your tonin is that melatonin tablets are cheap, don’t have respiratory side effects, and their dosages are precise. Too high a dosage of melatonin before bed can result in sleepwalking and vivid nightmares, which most people hate.