You might think this “Pecker Polisher” soap is, if nothing else, a unique product. Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. It’s also sold as Dick Soap, Willy Washer, Cock Soap, Hose Cleaner, Naughty Soap, and Plumbers’ Soap. I can’t tell whether the manufacturer is trying to target different demographics by packaging it so many different ways, or if they’ve all been failures so far, and they truly believe you can make a fortune selling a ten-dollar piece of soap with a hole in it, so they persist.

“Please do not buy this wheel if you are not willing to train your cat,” warns the manufacturer of One Fast Cat Exercise Wheel. But even if you can train your cat, and even if your cat would like running on a wheel, the long list of one-star reviews say that this cat exercise wheel comes apart during use and tips over easily.

The GoPet, a different pet exercise wheel which clocks in at over five hundred dollars, seems to work more reliably. Though, as one reviewer notes, “it’s a torture for me, to keep my cat in there.”

Your newborn baby, unfortunately, has a few more years until he or she can get their hands on an assault rifle. Members of Congress are working around the clock to give your infant the right to own a gun, and in the meantime, this baby’s AR-15 shirt, which also calls the reader “little bitch,” is a step in the right direction. You’ll also need the “Come And Take It” baby bib, ringed in a pleasant lavender color, implying that your tiny child is already terrified the government will take their assault rifle.

For centuries, meditation has been an effective technique to focus and calm the mind. Now, in 2017, it’s been revealed that you actually need this $346.99 chair to meditate. Which sucks, because I thought that you could do it literally anywhere, indoors or out, on the floor, or even the ground.

Say what you will about the wine lanyard, but at least that lets you hold your drink on an open loop around your neck, rather than the slipknot of BevTie, the tie that holds beverages.

Sold by the brand “Home Comforts,” I think you’ll agree with me that there’s nothing that makes your house cozier than a polonium-210-fuelled thermoelectric generator. (The item that’s being sold is a print of this photograph, not the generator itself, of course.)

The scent on this “Apple Pie” candle changes to what the manufacturer describes as “Dirty Fart” after several hours of burning. Unfortunately, this requires your victim to open the candle up and light it. This means the most likely scenario is that in several months or years, you’ll ask your friend about the candle, and they’ll lie and say they used it and it smelled great.