The Worst Things For Sale

Wow, I haven’t seen soap you could fuck since that time I read that “make your own sex toys” book that said it’s a good idea to drill a hole in a regular bar of soap and fuck it.  

Step into the world of Twisted!, a realm where roller coasters are secretly alive. And one roller coaster is evil, and takes control of the other ones. And, yes, the roller coasters fuck. The “LOOK INSIDE!” reveals this. The roller coasters fuck, and rip off their skin (roller coaster skin???) and fuck more.

On second thought, don’t step into the world of Twisted!.

“Ever found yourself sitting at your desk all set to eat lunch and realize you have no utensils to use?” Yes, but you could keep a plastic fork in your desk, or a metal one, and not have to attach $8.49 worth of third-party pen caps to ballpoint pens and then have to use ballpoint pens to lift food to your mouth.

A common shared belief among delusional people is that “orbs” (specks of moisture or dust illuminated by a camera flash) are not artifacts of taking a picture with a flash, but rather, celestial beings from another plane. The author of this book reports that she was “mocked by family and friends about her obsession” until the Archangel Michael appeared to her. She doesn’t say what he told her, but I’m guessing it was “WoooOOOOOoooo write a crazy ass book wooooooooooOOOOO.”

If you ever need proof that you’re not as crazy as you could be, ask yourself: has God or an angel personally talked to me to tell me something? If no, then you could be worse.

The Potechi Potato Chip Grabber ($29) lets you eat potato chips, popcorn, or other snacks without getting your fingers greasy.

You know what else comes from Asia and does the same thing for $29 less than that? Chopsticks. Sorry if I just blew your mind.

“Semen volumizers” are supplements intended to make a man ejaculate more liquid when he ejaculates. The names range from punny to gross. There’s Cocked N Loaded, Ropex, SemenFX, Semenex, Spermomax With Yummy Cum, Maxocum, and Ball Refill, among others.

At least one of them promises 500% more semen on ejaculation, which sounds like a good way to bust a tube somewhere, or at least ruin a set of sheets. Maxocum says you’ll “SHOCK your partner with the BIGGEST overflowing load.” And Volutrex even says that you’ll ejaculate so much it will relieve your symptoms of depression.

My favorite out of these, though, is Speman. It’s $0.01 and the ingredients aren’t listed, but the manufacturer describes Speman as “a compound of natural ingredients.”  I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get Spemanned.

You may have already seen the video… but did you know there’s a Prancersize book?