The Worst Things For Sale

Have you ever wanted a mouthwash that will stain your teeth, nullify your sense of taste, and chemically burn the inside of your mouth? I just read the reviews for the Crest Pro-Health Clinical Deep Clean mouthwash that I bought and threw in the trash after one use, and it turns out I wasn’t the only one who immediately went back to Regular Cheap Mouthwash.

“Day Bang” is an instructional manual written by a man who gives you, the aspiring Day Banger, tips to talk to women during the daytime. It even purports to instruct you on how to begin your weird, forced conversation in such a way that it “won’t scare the woman away.”

Years later, your child will ask you, “How did you meet Mom?” And instead of a boring answer like “The Internet” or “College” or “A party”, you’ll be able to give them a gripping story of how you Day Banged their mother after months of study and memorization. “I gave her Bait Line #31 and winked at a specific time. She let me hack the closer and I got her number, and then texted her Follow-Up #5. I was a big-time Day Banger and it’s all thanks to an A-to-Z banging strategy devised by pickup master Roosh V.”

Overwhelmed by glucose, your organs cry out in pain. “No!” they beg. “No! Please, no!” But you buy the Brownie Bar Maker anyway. “Now…” you say, grinning down at your digestive system from the outside, “Now… I can have fresh brownies… any… time… I… like.” Laughing maniacally, you begin to punch yourself in the abdomen, softly at first, but then harder, harder, harder. Your cackles continue into the night, punctuated only briefly as the self-administered punches force the air out of your lungs.

A mini-terrarium for carnivorous plants is a great way to spend two weeks slowly watching a plastic cup of living matter turn into dirt and dead sticks. But don’t take my word for it! Read what the customers had to say about it.

My favorite review here is the one whose kid wanted nothing else for his birthday, and sat and watched his dead cup of dirt for weeks since it was his only present.

The “Stay Off! Mat” emits a piercing shriek when it’s touched. In theory, this will keep your pets off your furniture. If your dog is like mine, though, it will cause you to run into your living room six times a day, hands over your ears, trying to push your fat, sleeping dog off of the Stay Off! Mat.

There are a lot of options for attaching lights to your hands, and all of them are stupid. There’s the GloveLite, the Seven-Mode Rave Glove and the LED Glove. But Party Rats (in the picture above) are my favorite. Probably because they’re “perfect for night blogging.”

It can take years, sometimes decades for the FDA to approve drugs that treat cancer and other horrible diseases. The pain-killers these patients need are constantly being altered, restricted, and neutered for fear of abuse. And the federal battle against weed continues unabated, with dispensaries in California being raided on a constant basis, leaving patients without the only medicine they can afford to treat their ailments. (Pharmaceuticals, of course, are out of reach for those whom insurance will not cover for the reason that they’re too sick.)

So it’s good to know you can still inhale “whipped-cream chargers” to your face for a cheap and legal high. As with most other mind-altering substances available at large online retailers, the “recommended products” gives you a list of everything else you need to huff nitrous oxide, suggesting they are “Frequently Bought Together.”