The Worst Things For Sale

The unrealistic figure of Barbie has been criticized in the past as giving girls an unhealthy body image. But Barbie looks like Mrs. Old & Fat next to this twig-like doll called Frankie Stein.

Most arresting about Frankie Stein is not that she is skinny, but that her clothes are draped on her as they are on women who are actually anorexic. If you’ve ever seen an eating-disorder documentary, or known an actual anorexic woman, it’s eerie how closely this doll mirrors the hallmarks of anorexia. Her skin is pale, her size-00 clothes hang loosely off her body, and her elbow and knee joints bulge from her birdlike arms and legs.

Maybe I’m over-reacting here, or maybe I just like women and don’t think they should starve to death and have mental and physical problems because of companies.

After a long day, I love to relax with a nice cold glass of 48 FLASHING LED ICE CUBES!!!

The product listing insists these plastic hellcubes will impress my friends, but none of my friends are raccoons or babies, so I don’t think it’ll work.

The concepts of “holistic food” and “organic” are pretty thin when applied to human food. Holistic means nothing at all, and realistically, organic just means that farmers spray shit and piss on your vegetables instead of pesticides. I agree that organic farming is more natural, but if we’re talking natural, we should still be living outside picking bugs out of each others’ body hair.

I almost feel like if you’re spending $145 for “holistic” cat food that you’re just trying to get rid of that money and someone else is going to take it if the cat food company doesn’t. You’ve got that money out in your hands, and you’re waving it around, and as soon as the first person walks by with a crystal or a dreamcatcher you can finally get rid of that horrible money you hate having.

The English language is ugly and nonstandard, so it’s hard to pick a worst combination of two words, but I’d say that “Bling Baby”, the brand name on this pacifier, might be up there in the top ten.

It has a total of 3 carats of pave diamonds (278 small diamonds in all.)

Someone had to sit and stare at this pacifier while they fitted these diamonds to it by hand. “I am putting diamond #159 onto this pacifier,” they thought, and later, “I am putting diamond #160 onto this pacifier.” It’s easy to feel weird about it, but then again, I live in a country that values unborn fetal cells over adult soldiers, and this kind of thing happens all the time here.

The Orbitwheel lives at the intersection of dorky and dangerous. The manufacturer tries to relate these $90 footwheels to skateboarding, but I don’t think the comparison holds up, because skateboarding is cool. This truth is self-evident. Like “I Have A Dream.”

There are a million shitty wheel gadgets for kids, but the product description is what does it for me here:

The two narrow wheels make them easy to slip into a backpack or carry in your hand. And when you’re ready to get going again,

What happened, did you fall off your Orbitwheel mid-sentence, DORK?

Go ahead and buy a highly-rated cocktail muddler, pretend in your head that you’re going to get fresh herbs and fruit and use a special thing to muddle them with. Pretend you’re going to shake it, and strain it, and pour it out, and make a special little cocktail with a sprig of something, and wash all those extra dishes. Isn’t that precious to think about!

OK, now that we’re back in reality, make your usual cocktail by pouring half a glass of diet soda and glugging an unmeasured amount of any liquor into it.

Tired of the crystal-clear picture on contemporary 1080p HD televisions? Hate having something light and thin enough to hang on the wall? Then this Sony 53” projection TV may be the thing for you. Weighing in at 220 pounds, it’ll bring you back to the halcyon days of 2006. Maybe you can watch Flavor of Love on it!