The Worst Things For Sale

The cover of this book doesn’t give you a true picture of the horrors that lay within. Slyly disguised as a guide to ease social interactions, it’s actually a bizarrely awkward and insulting guide for how to approach women. I don’t think the author has ever had a conversation with another human being, as evinced by this excerpt:

You: I recently started training Brazilian jiu-jitsu (or any hobby of yours) and it’s helping me express bottled up emotions.

Her: Wow that sounds so cool.

Really, though, you’d have to hit the “Look Inside” to see the true scope of this book’s robotic word-terror.

Ah, yes. The time-honored Jedi technique of burning the shit out of the middle of your bread while leaving huge portions of it untoasted. 

“This could be your dog,” whispers the picture of the dog in dog overalls, majestically leaping through the American wilderness.

For heavier duty, there is, of course, the dog “combat suit.”

In a world of stick-figure-stickers, there are thousands of variations and parodies, each worse than the last. But I feel none match the tone of this particular one, whose official title is “Auto Sticker-Funny Car Sticker-Gun Family-Stick Family Decal-Window Sticker-Sticker Decal-Window Decal-Car Decals-Vehicle Sticker.”

If I had to put one in second place, it would probably be the “I Will Literally Murder Your Family With Guns” stick-figure sticker.

Why buy The WineRack (a bra that holds 25 ounces of wine) when you can stuff three liters of wine into Baggy Winecoat, a purse that you fill entirely with wine?  

Good news: The answer is yes!

Bad news: The answer to all your existential questions is either “mrroww” or “(walks away silently).”

Just because two words sort of fit together, it doesn’t mean the result is going to be a good product. The Sportula exists as proof.