The Worst Things For Sale

This treadmill might work underwater, but…

You’re not underwater.

Treadmill lady, you’re not underwater.

TREADMILL LADY WHAT ARE YOU DOING

How does a dinosaur get a billion dollars? How does an animal choose a human’s sexual preference? And since when did dinosaurs and primates co-exist? You can answer these questions by reading the 15-page masterpiece “A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay.”

It’s by the author of the Transformer-creampie story “Transforming Robot Punished Me.”

You might think this glass is a good idea. Until you go to use it, and you’re forced to choose between liquor dripping off your hand as you drink beer, or beer dripping down your arm as you try to drink liquor out of a wet, upside-down pint glass.

The “SpreadTHAT! Butter Knife” is an almost-$20 butter knife that “uses your body heat to warm the knife edge.” Never mind that a regular butter knife, also made out of metal, does this same thing. And never mind that, according to reviews, it only really works if you heat it under hot water from the tap.

An inflatable hot tub is a bad idea to start with. Holding 184 gallons (1,530 pounds) of water in a flexible plastic container you climb in and out of isn’t the smartest idea our species has ever come up with. Combine that with two 675-watt heaters and you’ve got a recipe for water-based disaster.

The cherry on this particular sundae is the fact that multiple reviewers recommend that you use it inside.

You learn about the Civil War in school. You learn about the Emancipation Proclamation, Ford’s Theatre, and the Gettysburg Address, too. But it takes some independent research if you want to find out if Abraham Lincoln, behind closed doors, was a Presidential Fuck Machine.

AL:PFM is by the author of “Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord Of The Moon.”

There is no joy in microwaving yourself a small cake. The food may be edible, and your body will dutifully extract energy and nutrients from it, but it remains joyless. I posted about depression cooking before, but the tiny pan that cooks one egg pales in sadness to making yourself a tiny, mushy cake in a mug.