The Worst Things For Sale

These beige rectangles are meant to be attached to your clothing, with the reasoning that “Clothes don’t always have pockets.” That’s true, but I’m not sure this is the solution. Regardless, check out how happy the Pocksie model looks with his adhesive pocket full of candy and toys!

If you’re the kind of guy who won’t buy something unless it’s gun-shaped or attaches to a gun, this flash drive is for you. Just make sure you keep it at home if you live in America and your skin’s any darker than a mozzarella stick. Cops know they’ve got paid retirement and $100k in a GoFundMe waiting for them if they plug you.

It’s a plastic water bottle shaped like a penis. I didn’t censor “Dicky”, the manufacturer did, but I did blur the image due to the realistic texture and shape of the penis. You can see all the veins and wrinkles on the manufacturer’s listing, if that’s a thing you want to do today.

The Pocket Hose is not just something you walk by at the drugstore and say “I already, heh heh, I already have a pocket hose.” It’s also one of the most poorly-reviewed items I’ve ever seen, having collected over 1,600 one-star reviews, mostly complaining that it develops leaks throughout the entire length of the hose as soon as you start using it.

Telebrands, the maker of Pocket Hose, responded by creating the Pocket Hose Ultra, a “3x stronger” version of the Pocket Hose, which already has over 100 one-star reviews saying that it breaks in the same way as the Pocket Hose.

Have you ever wanted to “test the fidelity” of your loved one by scraping their underwear for semen? Then “CheckMate Infidelity Tests” are the thing you’ve been looking for. Unfortunately, according to the reviews, they don’t actually work. So if you’re rooting through someone else’s dirty garments, make sure you do it because you love semen and butt-smell, not because you want to give them a “fidelity test.”

Heliocare is a brand of Calaguala leaf extract, an antioxidant which is now being pilled up and sold as a “sunscreen pill” to protect your skin from damage. While it works to a very small extent, taking it daily is roughly equivalent to applying SPF 3 sunscreen to your skin. You’ll still need topical sunscreen lotion to prevent UV skin damage (which doesn’t cost as much as Heliocare, of course.)

Yes. But don’t let that stop you from making an 81-minute movie saying he faked his death.