Stop smiling, pregnant guy! Someone pushed an ol’ egg cell up into your peeper and you’re having a bladder baby!

Wipe the smile off your face, second pregnant dude, ’cause them bladder babies only come out one way.

Yeah. That way.

There’s nothing less sexualized than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All they want to do is be in the 1980s, say Cowabunga, follow a big-ass rat around and eat pizza. So it’s probably safe for a girl to

Oh goddamn it.

A bag of potato chips costs about three bucks. The potatoes you’d need to make a bag’s worth of potato chips cost about three bucks. The math doesn’t seem to be working out for me, as far as saving money by making your own potato chips.

But maybe there’s a land where you get potatoes and vegetable oil for free, and you can heat them on a stove that gets hot for free, and it doesn’t take all fucking night to cut potatoes up into thin slices, and then your greasy kitchen cleans itself. In that land, you’re definitely doing the right thing by making your own potato chips.

Have you ever had legs like a pharoah? Put the…. well, put your legs in a sarcophagus.

You’re so bad-ass that you let some weird dude drill ink into your skin for a few hours! But you’re not so bad-ass you want an authority figure to see your tattoo and think poorly of you. Until now, you’d have to rub Dermablend all over that bad boy until your arm looked suspiciously makeup-ish. But here, in the future, we got Tatjackets! You can’t even tell I got a sloth on my arm with an internet saying on the sloth, potential employer! And that picture of the burning World Trade Center with the crazy patriot shit hanging out of it? Gone, my new boss. I’m here to work and I definitely don’t have any fucking tattoos.

Is that a big-ass glass dildo? NO! It’s a “butane hash oil extractor”, which is a glass tube that you fill with weed, and then spray butane lighter fuel through to make an extraction of the active ingredients. Proponents of hash oil claim it’s more pure than smoking weed itself, which, if you ignore the fact that the solvent is meant to be burned rather than consumed, might be the case.

The problem is not with the extractors, though. It’s the fact that butane is extremely volatile, and, as you might expect from the fact that it fuels cigarette lighters, flammable. People attempting to make hash oil at home have experienced everything from kitchen fires to whole-house fires to apartment-building fires to explosions. If you were to do this kind of thing, you’d want to do it outside, with gloves and safety goggles, not on your kitchen stove while you’re smoking weed, but safety protocol is hard to remember when you’re enormously high.

The flip side to the boom in stoners performing volatile, explosive extractions of weed at home is that someone figured out that CBD, one of the myriad psychoactive ingredients in weed, MIGHT BE legal to posess. In certain states, or maybe all of them. Nobody knows for sure. Since it’s MAYBE legal, you can, in fact, buy hemp oil containing 18% CBD online, although it’ll cost you roughly $44 a gram. It’s extracted using roughly the same process as in the glass dildo full of weed. Unfortunately, CBD is the compound in weed which tends to make you confused, hungry, and sleepy, and possesses few of the positive effects associated with marijuana, medical or otherwise. At least it’s already been through the dildo, so you won’t blow your eyebrows off trying to distill it from some flowers that wouldn’t be illegal if they didn’t put minorities in jail.