Monthly Archives: January 2014

The Bike That Fucked Me

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Did the bike skip out on its shared apartment, leaving the author to pay rent by herself? Did it sell her counterfeit Garbage Pail Kids cards on eBay? Did it fail to appear in court to act as the author’s attorney? No! None of these! “The Bike That Fucked Me” is a 3000-word story about a “dildo bike.”

If you’re into bike fucking but you don’t get into hetero stuff, the same author has written an eerily-similar 3000-word story entitled  “The Bike That Butt Fucked Me.”

The trilogy concludes with a 3000-word story about group sex, called… yes… “The Bikes That Fucked Us.”

Mr. Gold: The $900 Lego Man

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“It’s not a LEGO MAN, it’s a minifig,” Lego collectors whine in unison, and they’re technically right. It’s a $900 Lego minifig, which, despite the name, is not made out of gold. It’s made of plastic, like almost every other Lego piece. These were randomly distributed in packages of normal pieces, and resellers are scalping them for high prices.

My main reason for writing about it here, though, is the reviews obviously left by children. “horrable,” one writes, “bull garbage.the thing is bush legue .” Another review, titled “dumd stupid,” adds: “it is not worth 999 dollers do not buy.”

Wheeled Snow Shovel

snow-wolf-shovel

The Snow Wolf almost looks like a good idea at first glance. Until you realize the shovel is made of plastic, which means it’ll break when you hit ice or a bump in the pavement (several reviewers have noted this.) The wheel is not pre-assembled, which means you have to put the wheel together by hand, including the process of pushing a long strip of rubber into an uneven plastic rim. There are 97 pieces in all you have to assemble, in fact. And it costs a lot more than a snow shovel should.



Zero-Gravity Chair

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The $2,000+ “Zero Gravity Chair” is made of springy wood and tilts into different positions, referring to the furthest-back as “zero gravity.” It’s a shame that sitting in a recliner doesn’t actually nullify gravity, because if it did I’d be a fucking astronaut for like 5 hours every day.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.