The LitterMaid, a self-cleaning litter box, would be a great idea. Except that it doesn’t work at all. It has over 300 negative reviews, stating that the motor’s too weak, the replaceable parts are too expensive, and the tines on the shit-rake break off easily when they try to clean your cat’s turds.

If you’re looking for a solution to having a sandy box of cat turds in your house, you might skip the LitterMate and the PetZoom (a plastic patch of astroturf) and just teach your cat to crap in the regular toilet.

PhoneSoap is a combination smart-phone charger and sanitizer. It uses UV light to sanitize your phone. Which works, to some extent. But it’s useless if you don’t wash your hands, because that’s where your phone bacteria would come from.

At the same time, if you do wash your hands, then you’re not getting bacteria all over your phone in the first place.

“Throw poopoo,” one executive said, and giggled. “Hahah throw poopies.”

The other, pacing around the room, furrowed his brow in thought for a moment. Then, his face lit with inspiration. “Haha throw poopies at HEAD! Poopy sticks to your head! Pooooooooooooopoooooooo!” The first executive leapt from his seat, held hands with the second and began to dance, kicking his heels high in the air. “Haha, doody game, poop on your head!” he cried. “Doody head, put doodies on your head, poop on your head,” laughed the second, careening through the conference room hand-in-hand with the first.

“Haha, yeah, it’s a wooden tie, it’s made of wood,” you say to a curious passerby. “Hey, have you heard of a little thing called BitCoin? It’s like money, but money is fake, and Bitcoin is actually a more real form of money. Bitcoin is purely electronic, and— Where are you…?” You trail off, as your passerby begins to jog, already fifteen feet away from your weird ass. Dismayed but not defeated, you head back to your car, to change into your battery-powered neon tie before night falls.  

Manga, the Japanese comic books where drawings of children having sex with adults is accepted as part of the art-form (Japan just outlawed child pornography this year, in case you think that’s a joke) are apparently a great way to teach Linear Algebra. There’s also “The Manga Guide To Relativity,” in case you’re planning on accelerating an object to nearly the speed of light and need to know how its mass changes, but can’t read or understand any information unless it’s accompanied by a drawing of a screaming, big-eyed child.  

Have you ever wanted to “test the fidelity” of your loved one by scraping their underwear for semen? Then “CheckMate Infidelity Tests” are the thing you’ve been looking for. Unfortunately, according to the reviews, they don’t actually work. So if you’re rooting through someone else’s dirty garments, make sure you do it because you love semen and butt-smell, not because you want to give them a “fidelity test.”

“Love Is Art” is a $50 kit consisting of a piece of fabric and a bottle of paint. You put the paint on you and your partner’s body, fuck on the canvas, let it dry, and then hang it up. Then, probably, if you’re the kind of person who thinks this is cool, whenever someone asks, you smile creepily and say “That print was made by making love.”

Or, if you’re not a weirdo, you try it out of being a good sport and find that the paint dries fast and doesn’t come off your body, leaving you scrubbing your body and screaming in the shower (2 stars out of 5.)